Trial and Error.

Some might think I'm crazy...
Slightly true.
More like commonly misunderstood.
--
Disconnect.
My heart is...really too much for my body.
The inner complexities I sometimes experience--i.e. yesterday to me is even mind baffling.
And yet somehow I expect you to understand me.

Because you are my friend. And friends should be able to...right?
I think I need more air.
When I start getting flustered I search for an escape--a window to the outside.
So my everything can breathe freely.

No, I haven't meditated lately. And I should.
So my soul can breathe as it should.
This disconnect is scaring me.
And my friends too I think.

But what scares me the most is when I feel you slipping away.
Life will do as it pleases.
Will this road carry you with me? Or the currents take you away?

I know...this sounds deep.
But that's how I roll.
Legit.

Inspiration.

This is Ryan Gosling and Rachel McAdams (making out hardcore).
You know...from le film The Notebook?
Well...just got finished watching it.
And...
They're really together.
Spellbinding.

Is love to me really as simple as breathing?
I aspire to have something so deep.
*sigh*

Well anyway, I'm really here to leave you with a quote.
"The best love is the kind that weakens the soul-- the kind that brings fire to our hearts and peace to our minds."
-Noah, The Notebook


Entitled: The Hope[FULL] Romantic

Slowly peeling away the old skin.
I hope he's long gone.
It's time to grow up and time to move on.
I've found something new,
Yet old and this time I'm sure of what I hold.
Escape is not necessary.
And I am not running, not repeating, not regretting.
This is where that road ends, and a new one beg[a]n.

"It's that kind that I have for you, and the kind I hope to bring to you, forever..."-N.B.

I won't take this moment for granted

It's not cutting the fabric today.
All I've got to say is I have goals.
Currently all very immediate.
Like this shirt.
License tomorrow.
Relationship clarity soon -_-.
Getting a job.
Saving and NOT spending.

Just need to break this shell.
This thick, overbearing coat of childhood.
Still smelling coffee.

Serenity, solace, and peace of mind.
Think I'll go meditate.

My Heart's Desire.

So this is life...and I'm glad for it.
2008 is over, hence the dawn of a new chapter...
I guess.

The beginning
-->Spent with Shay and Dean really. Lol he was definitely there at midnight in spirit. <3
But on this day I realize so much. The little things I once wrapped my mind around are no longer important. I'm not interested, nor do I dwell on silly things. One thing I will give the psychic s that I have over analyzed. I need to let go more. Enjoy each moment, but not dissect it. Peace of highest importance in my life.

I have a moment to share.

Here I am on the bus stop, toes frost bitten. I just left Shayla.
Waiting. Wondering. There I realized this is life. I'm waking up.
This is your life. Take control. Stop letting things happen to you.
Ask questions. Get on the next damn bus. Lol. You'll get home.

Then I wander around trying to find a place to piss in the middle of the city...on New Years...
End up calling home. I ask for a ride. Freezing my f***ing toes off....
My dad doesn't want a damn thing to do with helping me.
He's rude...but I guess he had a point.
I found a cozy Nepalese/Indian restaurant.
This feels so relaxing.
I ordered alone. Waited for my folks.
They arrive. I grab my amazing dumplings and leave.
Minutes later...
"You need to act like you're 18. Take on your own cell phone bill. Do some shit for yourself.
Get a real job. And find your own way home. I ain't gonna be doing this shit for you for the rest of your life. I won't be there. "
I'm a daddy's girl. And sensitive. Guess on the inside my heart kinda broke again...
I know better. And I want to leave here badly...
Lol guess that's motivation.




My goal, my destination this year is to reach far beyond the minimal.
Don't just take what is handed to you. Go after what you want. Make life happen. Don't hold your feelings in. Spread the love. Kiss deeper. Laugh louder. Play harder. Release everything. Change is what makes life, life. Remember, guys will be there. Make TIME for what your really want. Remember temptation. Enjoy youth, but never act foolishly. Make each moment count. Passionately. Intensely. Always reflect.

I love you more than ever. I love myself more than ever. I am more beautiful than I ever was.
Wisdom is sexy. Spirituality is sexy. Carpe diem is my true fetish. Hence each day is better than the day before it.
FIN.

Single does it.

Screw the whole couple shindig.

I only want to be with you if you make the cut. I'm in no rush. As a matter of fact this is the FIRST TIME in my life I can say I'm not lonely. Never again to be with a drag, a hindrance, a hypocrite. I want someone who meets my unique standards. I could go all into that but why? I'm getting older. When my family members asked if I had a boyfriend or what type of wife I will make all I can do is mumble under my breath or a quick, "Oh I'm not talking to anyone."
This is my youth. I should be having the time of my life. And I think it's more than time to get that ball rolling. I want everyday I wake to be a new enjoyable adrenaline rushing mentally and physically stimulating experience.
No need to get involved with anyone in particular. But my eyes and heart are open.

Just learning how to deal with the aching moments of sexual tension. ^.^ Oh yes. I'm soooo glad that's finally calming down.

Guess somewhere deep down I'm done with heartache. It's time to grow up. :DDD

"This is LIFE, and it's sort of all we have."

So I watched this movie Garden State by Zach Braff. If you enjoy a quirky love story this one's for you. So touched when I saw it.
But here are some truths in the matters of living:

Pain is a reality sometimes, but without it how would you know you were living?
When you close yourself off from the very thing that is showing you something's not right, YOU AREN'T LIVING.

Don't be afraid to take a chance. Don't get mad when things don't go "as planned".
Don't regret. Don't over analyze. Don't say things you don't want to happen. It's probably the quickest way you can get it to happen.

I'm learning so much I think my brain hurts. It's cumbersome at times, but I know this is a part of growing up.

On another note I went to see a psychic. Although I felt the information was very truthful I don't recommend it. Now that I've thought on it I don't want to find out everything that's going to happen, let alone allow myself to succumb to any means to find out.
Maybe I should just LIVE and let live.

To do is to be. I think there are a thousand proverbs in my blog. If you pay attention.
I feel like what the psychic did was allow guidance, but she did not push for me to do anything.
She told me of God, my relationships, my aura, resolutions, and my future. All for 15 dollars. Is that legal? Lol.

Something doesn't sit right in my gut.
So it isn't right.
Soooo...enough there.

I don't really wanna share too much today. Just things to highlight.
I think looking for relationships is totally a bad idea.
Some great advice I received: Guys grow up really slow. So just focus on your friendships. You'll have plenty of time to meet that guy.


So it is. And I'm happy. I have goals. I have friends. I have joy. I have GOD. I have some peace. Working on eating right.
I'm outtie<3

Decisions, decisions.

and more bloody decisions.

Life is testing me. Like so much that I have to ask myself what for? What the hell does it all mean? Am I getting this or not?

This kid still won't call. Lol the smart sensible side says fuck that kid.
Life has far too many things to offer you. He was a pit stop--a sign in passing if you will.
But apparently nothing for keeps.
I feel if someone is meant to be in my life it wouldn't be so hard to keep them close.
So my vow to myself is to let the chips fall where they may. I have imposed my will--every fiber of my being into this. Insanity yields stupidity. Move the hell on. There's a fork in the road. Let's try going left this time.

My soul is beautiful. I've been reading The Secret by Rhonda Byrne.
The universe is there to help you. All you have to do is ask and of world of opportunity suddenly is at your doorstep.
Guess I'll take an excerpt.

"When you focus your thoughts on something you want, and you hold that focus, you are in that moment summoning the mightiest power in the Universe. The law of attraction doesn't compute "don't" or "not or "no" or any other words of negation. As you speak words of negation, this is what the law of attraction is receiving:
'I don't want to spill something on this outfit.'
Meaning 'I want to spill something on this outfit and I want to continue spilling more things.'"
(Byrne, 14)

More on that later.

Just a care and share. By the way--the birthday was absolute magic.
I felt it. I still do. And I am 18. I don't care who thinks that age doesn't mean anything.
It definitely means A LOT to me. I feel blessed.