Tell Him He's Wonderful

To all my lovers out there:

I saw this video, and I thought of so many people. I thought mostly of what it's like to be married. That's so far ahead it feels like. But when I hear this song, I know why he's worth the wait. :)

Please watch if you can find the time in FULLSCREEN.

Surrealism brushes noses with realism

He wore a blue turban [Sihkism]. I wore a red headband.
He stood 6'2, me 5'4. He was a mental fatigue, and brain rupture.
I was a sensitizing junkie, tripping over the cerebral stimulation.
I wanted answers, he wanted closeness.

I am slowly beginning to understand how much smarter you get with time.
He reminds me of a grown up version of my old friend Jamie. After all of the drugs, the screaming, and the broken relationships he travels far away to find himself. It seems there are men who need that. Quite a few actually. I think I was dating one. I may have a bit of wonderlust in my blood myself. I usually am aching for an adventure, even when I'm tired (like now). It's pretty fascinating, what the vast ocean washes my way at times.

A salsa dance gone religious discussion/understanding. I attract diversity, and then get mad when I can't share my views and life with them. I met a woman who plays the ukelele and sand to me that I think I will not have the privilege of seeing anytime soon. She's so far away now...I think my life is just beginning to take shape. I feel I am 5 years old. Just learning how to feel, how to speak, how to think on my feet, and so many other knowledgeable processes.

I saw Jamie in him. I saw his mannerisms. His outlook. We are all definitely connected, but not in the way he thinks.

Anyway, I just felt so mentally stimulated I had to attempt to type. My brain is spinning super fast right now. It's wrapping its mind around all that was discussed. I am attempting to let go. O Jah, how could I be so curious? Is it foolish to want understanding???

Mango Tea Bread and Spicy Lamb Burger..I'm in heaven

So this summer isn't so adventurous as I'm used too. Yeah I'm used to disappearing and reappearing. I like that. It makes me feel Rogue-esque. But I suppose my inner workings weren't having that this summer. My original plans were in two weeks time to be on my $500 flight to San Ramon, Costa Rica. There I planned to take Latin dance and learn Spanish. I changed my mind. I'm sort of glad I did. But I still have to go on adventures. This stationary scene is just surreal. Sadly, I don't really have an adventure companion at this time. I'm thinking save up and go away for a weekend. Somewhere that has history, and is relatively close (east coast probs). I've never planned the adventures before. I've only been on them. But maybe it's high time for me to start planning. Because otherwise I see a bleak, dry, summer filled with beautiful days spent at the office looking out the window. Days off spent around the house. That is not me. So I will start a few researches for myself. I am going on a lot of journeys now at once. Perhaps that is why I cancelled my trip to a place reminiscent of paradise. There's more to that story, but, that will stay off of blogger. :)
I am currently experiencing a hair journey, spiritual journey, maturity journey, discipline journey in a very conscious way. I don't think where I am allows me to really travel far away. But end of July I think it will be high time. I work all the time, and play seldom. Working on that.

But I think currently small comforts keep me sane. Like me making mango tea bread. You can laugh. But here are my upcoming recipes:

Cucumber Raita
1 cup lowfat plain yogurt
1/2 medium cucumber, peeled, seeded and finely chopped
2 green onions, thinly sliced
1/4 cup chopped cilantro
1 teaspoon ground cumin
1/2 teaspoon ground ginger
Salt and pepper to taste

Spicy Lamb Burgers
1 teaspoon ground cumin
1/2 teaspoon ground coriander
1/4 teaspoon ground ginger
1/8 teaspoon ground cinnamon
1/8 teaspoon ground cloves
1/2 teaspoon sea salt
1/8 teaspoon ground black pepper
Cayenne pepper to taste
1 pound lean ground lamb
4 leaves romaine lettuce
2 whole wheat pitas, halved

~~~~~

3 ounces dried mango
1 cup chopped fresh mango, from 1 large ripe mango
2 1/2 cups unbleached all-purpose flour, plus more for dusting
3/4 cup sugar
1 1/2 teaspoons baking powder
3/4 teaspoon sea salt
1/2 teaspoon baking soda
1 banana, mashed
1/2 cup drained canned crushed pineapple
1/4 cup expeller-pressed canola oil
2 eggs
1/4 cup shredded unsweetened coconut____

Google has its way with me.

So, I'm too hot to post right now. Seriously need to put a cheesecloth over my AC. These stink bugs are not going to be flying in my room, chilling on my arm while I'm asleep. I don't care how much I love nature. I don't like critters in my bed with me.

*Sigh*

Writing is a form of raw self expression. I can be as creative as I want, without worrying about purchasing paint, or finding enough time to delve deep into my subconscious thoughts. Writing has an instant gratification of sorts. If I press on the keys, words can be created, manipulated, and stimulate me.

Lexicon? Not quite. Just in love with creating. And when time does not allow much else, I will not be stifled. I temper my speech. I temper my thoughts. But I refuse to silence my ideas--at least for now. It's not like I spend every waking moment sharing with you. I just need to...vent without response sometimes. I need to be able to read this later, and remember where I was when I wrote it.

Reggae is fluid in the background. My body is hot. I spent 3 hours in the kitchen. A shower is in order. Cooking is a form of creation, but cooking costs. And sometimes that alone is a turn off.

Can you believe I feel like I'm 20? I also feel like I'm definitely not a kid anymore. I feel responsibilities. I feel the need to get to the point. I feel the need to share my experiences, and yet with no one in particular at this time. I'm glad I'm not the needy type, because I sure would be frustrated.

But you know what is frustrating? When you attempt to share your perspective with someone and you feel like it's all you, and none of them. Like they are not sharing one ounce of themselves. It's a 90/10 relationship. And I don't do well in them.

Anyway, I told you I was hot.

Can't wait for the cheesecloth, and the curtains, and to paint this second window.
Art does put the soul in another place. In that place I feel more complete.
I pray for balance. Color. Sound. Dimension. Depth perception. Life. Thought. Cleansing. Soothing. Stimulation. Physical. Spiritual. Mental. Refining.
----

EDITS: Google has been giving me a hard time logging in.

When I think about the future, it is not clear. I don't see anyone in particular in it. I don't see myself in any particular location, but I know I want to go away from here. I don't even see myself speaking English as opposed to something else. I just know it's time to move. It's time my darling. Stand up and work for what you want. Determined to make something of this life of mine. Please let me grow the right way. It gets confusing--hearing too many voices. But mines says, slow down. Think clearly. Don't rush to your grave. Smell the sweet scents that Jah brings your way. Breathe deeply. Say what you mean. Spend your time doing things that you couldn't imagine life without. Remember discipline. Life without it is nothing but a fool's paradise. Wasting away is sure to follow.
I think I'm too young to pick just one thing, but I sure know goals are important, or nothing is accomplished. Ah, it's only the way life is.

(I never ever give my heart away. I never ever want to waste away. I want to love, but until the time is right--when I feel safe I'll always be this way.)

"Give me the green light."

So sitting here playing John Legend, cuz I'm ready to go right now. So much to finish. These papers. These exams. This job. This salary. Ready to up and move. I am seriously making some changes in perspective, and I need flexibility.

A good friend of mines once said, "You've got until 25 to get it right, and then you are officially an adult." Hello! My clock is ticking. Sheesh. You know I'm adventurous. Only time will tell, but its my life, and I have the say in yay or nay. And I am praying to keep it progressive. Some part of me hesitates, but life doesn't stop in the moments you stop your progress.

So let's get it. :)

It's official. I'm not who you thought I was.

The clothes are sprawled along the bed, bubbling over in the laundry baskets, the sheets are pulled off the mattress, the books disheveled along the desk. I am sitting in the midst of a war zone. Fresh carpets, cozy robe, weary eyes, and sinking thoughts. I recap the course of the day. I think of the future. I sigh. I need a glass of water, and a shot of espresso. This night has to be productive.

I remember my friends through the course of my life. I remember that old converse shoe. I remember the old Jack Daniels bottle in the corner of our kitchen cabinet, that no one knew I used to sneak swigs from late at night. I remember the days tip toeing out of the back of the building to meet up with friends right when class started. I remember the hours on the phone, biting my bottom lip, hoping for one thing, and one thing only. Love.

The mere sight of a smiling face, of good taste, of spending the day away with someone you knew so well and could share anything with. It made my toes curl in a way le petite mort never could.
I found a family that made me home sick. I found a voice that made me proud of myself. I found a path that no amount of money could ever afford you. Broken down honda, high gas blues, high heeled shoes, black bibles encased in briefcases, hands clapping, arms open, smiles broad, laughter hard. I bit my bottom lip realizing I was in the midst of what I had been searching for. No strings attached other than unrequited love as never an option. I learned how to open my hands and stop hiding behind the computer screen. I learned how to pray, how to laugh, and I still am. I learned how to let go. I am learning how to give. I am loving like I never knew how. I am changing in ways I never saw. I am lifting barriers I didn't know existed. Life is not about the American Dream. It is not about finding the best job. It is for me about acknowledging the God that gave you oxygen to breathe, and giving back to him, because we can never possibly give him all he gives us. I cry when I think so many don't take the time to pray, or ask why is the earth so organized? Why are we so intricately made? Symmetrically designed proportionate beings with minds capable of building up and tearing down just about anything, and yet we know so little?
I am walking on a sidewalk, literature in hand smiling. I am flying far away. I am letting things go. I know we all have to move, and I have beg you to forgive me if I have hurt you. We each must make choices. I have found one that brings me greater joy than any human alone ever could.

Ready for a change

I did like my English class after all. I loved being encouraged to develop my writing abilities, and to articulate my thoughts. I remember in Mr. Miazga's 9th grade English class him discussing dynamic characters as being changed to great degree from their initial vantage point. I remember that character being the most interesting in the book. The static character was so far from me, so I decided when it was time to change I would indeed change.
And now, as I sit here, my whole body itches because as a snake, I am again indeed shedding an old layer of self. I am ready to let go of so much sometimes I can feel myself mentally purging. I wonder if others feel the need to let go and move on like I do.
This world is a funny place, one where corruption is common. So as I purge my old thoughts and desires, I see the futility of expending energy in certain avenues I once deemed "inspirational." How do I do that? I remember the last time I shed my old self, I dropped men--hard. I dropped music hard. I dropped materialism, and narcissism (somewhat). And now I am dropping the common view of the course of American living. I am a commoner I suppose. Simplicity is taking shape and form. It was once an ooblong, obtrusive form and is slowly molding into a softer, rounded shape. It is solidifying like the molding of clay. I am as a ceramic piece, waiting to be formed. Is it possible to grow up and drop the dead skin of youth and the falsehoods of men? Is it possible for the newer me to shine and thrive in the corrupted system? Only time will tell. :) And all I can do is continue to shed this old me.

The next time you see me you might not notice immediately, but I know you will see if you stay long enough...

Until my next tirade!
-L.K.