Rewind. Reflect. Re-evaluate.

[12:50 AM edits]
-->"Bulldoze the life out of me."
Download The Moment I Said It by Imogen Heap.

You won't regret it.
That's my life. In a nut shell.
WTF is my problem?
I just want nothing.
I ask for solace and simplicity.
Where did I go wrong?
...*sigh*...
"I promise it'll all seem better somehow in time."
I'm listening to it as I type this.

He came tonight...and I want to cry. But...
How?
Stop being sorry for yourself. I'm not.
Do your homework.
Lol. "I'm losing you. Trust me on this one."
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Orignal Entry begins here.

Questions race through my thoughts...
About life.
About values.
About what's really essential to our happiness.
Society needs boundaries.
I need freedom.
Watching Jumper reminded me the limits to freedom.
If I could jump would I be in school?
Would I have my friends?
would I hide it?

Is life really just one big question mark?
Are my relationships (God, friends & fam, classmates, authority figures) healthy?
How do we reach euphoria?
How do we humble ourselves?
How do we recognize faults?
How biased am I?

Do I want to be with these people? REALLY?
Are you denying the truth? Are you weak?
Clarity. I'm not emotional.
I'm distantly dreaming. Reaching.
It feels like The Stranger and his need for existentialism...
Don't get me wrong I believe in karma and God and fate.

Just floating on this cloud...feeling people drift in and out of my life.
I desire solidity. I want people who will really be there.
But what....if....they....get hurt? die? move away?

Wake up to reality Lystra.
The war is not over.
I'm battling within myself.
Seeking solace and answers.
I don't even fucking trust writing all my truths on the godforsaken website.

Google.
lmfao.

Art is in my name.

Lystra spelled backwards equals Artsyl.
I love my friends.

And I am beginning to realize just how overindulgent I can be.
Music. Food. Love. Sex. Art, although music is...I separate.

This week has yet again opened my eyes.
And sex is beautiful. Fuck what they say.
I'm savoring every moment of my life. Holding on to those I love.
I wish I could spend so much more time with them.
That's an African tree froggie thinger.
So cool. Would never touch em but heyyy.

Thinking about double majoring.
Or Hospitality Management as my major and Environmental Science as my minor.
I love the earth too damn much to watch people destroy it.
Just wanna taser some b*tches, see how they like it.

Staring blankly at my homework. It's 10 o'clock and I'm ignoring it.
Tomorrow I have two tests. I wanna run away with you.
Kiss you all day. Dream big dreams. Explore the grand great gargantuan (lol alliteration) world.
I wanna love. F8ck them and what they have to say.


Life is good. Love is better.
Saving the rest for another day.

No time.

No time these days.
Everything has to be scheduled meticulously.
Is this the life I want to lead?
No. Not at all actually.



Just wanna get this license. Get a job. Save. Save. Save.
Drive away with friends. Make love, not war.
Cook lots. Get my own crib. Yes. I said crib.

Save the world from people. Because as a whole [factually] face it, we are ignorant.

I am for the first time seriously waking to the HARSH realities of life.
First the sugar coated veil vanished. Now the blinders have been removed. The peripheral vision is in full effect. This world is polluted so badly, it's hard to open your eyes.
Mines have been.
I'm sick with empathy. And disgust.

What happened to the simple moments of joy and relaxation?
Need more of those.
They seemed to die when school started.

Why do I want to be friends with you?
Am I still being foolish?
I think so.
But, broken relationships are exhausting me.

I feel alone.

Silhouette

There's a shadow standing next to me.
A void of what I feel should be.
It consistently taunts me.
God, won't you tell me what is wrong with me?
I have so much love, and yet it stays repressed.

I can't even smile the same these days.
Because in the back of this mind, peace is missing.
Solace to be had.

This is the first time in my life where the door stays cracked and won't open.
Do I have baggage?
Or is it the guys I go for?
I don't know what to think anymore.

My evenings were spent thinking of ways to fix this.
I wish I hadn't wasted my time.
It could've been so much better than this.

You don't seem to realize what you just did.

So yet again, I walk.
Far away.
Refusing to share the heaviness on my heart.
Just accepting the facts.

Maybe I'm just not meant to.
. . .

Dogmatic: Fuckkk

I'm tired of feeling anything.
Honestly, I'm better off alone.
But I always let down my guard. Just long enough.
Just enough for you to test me.

And I lose.
Lose it.
Lose hope.
Lose patience. But it's my fault.
So fuck it.

New Found Love.

????????????
That's how the inside of my head is right now.
This meeting seems so fated. My heart is racing. Far more than just physical attraction.
But relinquishing control in my life has allowed me to see just what God has in store for my life.

Don't wanna get overly religious or offend anyone, but just wish we all would pay more attention.
Maybe we can't control the aspects of our lives that we love most.
But maybe that's why we love them. Because we can't make them ourselves. I'm so grateful, so humbled, so in awe that I don't even want to say much more about it.

And also....I keep playing "The Little Things" over and over. Still enjoying it. You can always find a song to suit your circumstances.

School is hardcore. Point blank. Speech is attempting to seriously kick my ass.

Enough said for now.
Oh and the funeral is tommorow. We haven't left yet and we're supposed to be beating the storm.
Lame.

Dreaming into reality.

Even though I haven't made my way there yet, I want to.
I find it funny the way fate works. Here I am, learning to embrace the circumstances.
Meeting new people, when I never thought I would.
Finding new love.
Or what I consider love. I think people's ideals on love are grossly misguided by today's portrayal of what love is (i.e. sexual acts, physical attraction, obsessing).
Not really. I call that infatuation. Don't get me wrong. Love can be shown through sex. But if that is its base, it will NEVER grow.
My friend is behind me snoring loudly.
Sorry, side note.

But for me living without giving that part of myself is like living without part of myself.
Shayla and I had this discussion the other night. I call it "The Adam's Eve Complex". Eve was made from Adam's rib as a gift to Adam. God's gift.

But anyway...What part am I talking about?
Good question.

I think the deeper parts of myself. But I won't share that with just anyone. My trust has been growing much thinner of guys lately. Which feels stifling. And and overwhelming sexual tension that tears into my thoughts. =) Wonderful. I don't trust myself when it comes to sex! Think I literally lose my mind..sometimes. Lol.

I'm an idealist. An envision[er]. A lover. A rare commodity right now. I struggle between wanting to be close to someone, and maintaining my independence.
What if someone is staring me down right now?
I think I can see him. Slowing unveiling his true intentions.
I don't want to think. I want to know.

Only one way to find out.