growth spurt

As priorities change, life teaches you new things--the easy or the hard way.
But either way we all come around eventually. My mom said something to that effect one day. It resonated in my mind as clear as my own mocha brown hands typing in front of me.

I have changed my view on love substantially.

He no longer has my heart. No one does. I'm in this for myself. No more crying over split milk.
Because it's not not you'll never drink milk again. It's just at that moment you wished you'd been a bit more careful. Well...I was careful. Just wish I could meet someone amazing like him and things actually work well between us. Who knows? The story isn't over. It's just beginning really.
It's just a story can be told between a kiss. One that I cannot share with anyone but them. And it told me what I wanted to hear. Maybe that's all just make believe...or maybe not.

Love is a virtue. It is how you treat the person you care for, not what you say. It is a way of life. But I realized the best way to learn to love is to achieve happiness within in yourself and allow you to come first. Learn your likes and dislikes. Treat yourself well. Don't wait for someone else to all your life. You won't ever learn what love really is if you take take take and never really give. It is the art of giving. Of putting another in some ways before yourself. Sex is involved, but by no means the dominant characteristic of love.

If it was up to me I would love to give myself to the person of my affections; to show them just how much of myself I was willing to unveil and reveal to them. To carry them with me in my heart always. To experience the beauty of life with. To build with. To grow old with. I think I'll start with friendships. Just work my way up. People have a tendency to get involved for the wrong reasons. Their goals of what they want together tend to be delusional and blindsided by their affections for one another.

A relationship to me should be built on a strong foundation. Mutual attraction is a factor. Age is a factor. Morals are a factor. Health is a factor.

I sound uber technical, but I'm on my own pseudo diary for heaven's sake. Lol heaven's sake. Why do I talk like this?
I feel I have the tendency to go extremely deep.

But on another note of relationships...I do not want to go back to my ex. I want to shed that relationship like dead skin. Not that I wont' always love him, I just cannot see myself truly happy with him. Every relationship will challenge you in at least 10 basic ways. The question is can you deal with those ten? Or will it prove to be too much?

And will your love for them conquer their faults?

When I look into your eyes I see pools of emotional pain. While standing with you my heart dies a thousand deaths (cliche no?), continuously reaching out. I recognize the insanity here, and yet I continue to attempt. Hoping earnestly that one day you will reach back and things will change.

I should turn away. I shouldn't care. But that is not who I am, or who I want to be.




Furthermore, being single should not make you miserable. It should be a learning experience.

we've fallen. [choking on nothing...]

im feeling very complex right now. just not in the mood. i think im slowly losing my mind. everything i once thought was worth it and could work i have many doubts and holes in at the moment. all i can do is pray and stay to myself.

there's a reason i don't write in here.


it's because i can't tell you everything. i don't know who will access this, and then again, they don't even really matter.
just know that i feel very alone as far as my love life goes. i have a feeling that ill be feeling that way for a while. why can't he just open up and not cause me so much grief?
i just wanna roll underneath the covers and forget this all happened.
i feel my destiny in life will run along a lonely journey.
think im borderline depressed.
school doesn't really matter enough right now.
need to get my life on track. maybe my priorities are off.

whatever the case--things can't stay as they are.