You might be surprised.

Sometimes I look for encouraging words in the wrong places, the people I grew accustomed to I couldn't face the reality that they were not my keeper, Jehovah alone has been and will continually be my keeper. I understand that now. I now definitely appreciate the saying, "Happiness exists only when shared." I should strive to create more, as it brings the greatest peace my mind has ever known, and is a gift that I want to share with others. I will push forward to finish this degree in Environmental Studies, but continue to spread the word of Jah. I will travel to where I am needed. I aspire to get into Culinary because I know it is one of the greatest passions of my life. I realize now that I have no ties, but my job is to move like the river. Constantly flowing. I can pervade through almost any substance. I can be contained, but often my emotions spill over. I am fluid, and rushing. My form can change, and is essential. H20 provides life for all. A necessary bond. The lifeblood of the earth. I accept my nurturing path in this world. Some of us are meant to be rocks, some air, some are meant to be fire, and some are meant to be water. Or maybe I am more like fire. I haven't fully attributed an element to my person, but I assure you it will have nothing to do with my zodiac sign.
Today I woke up. For the past little while now, I'd been feeling dead, but as a dear friend said to me recently, sometimes we have to hit rock bottom to freak out enough to get us moving again. I have realized now I cannot rely on friends for this support, because I want more than they can be for me. For now, my strength truly does lie in prayer and refuge in my application of new found morals. It's...strange to say most things that at one time I thought were acceptable (profuse drunkeness, swearing, sex, deceit, anger, violence) have fallen off of my to do at all list. I am finding my peace, and I can't wait to share it.
I will pray to push in these areas, maybe even make some more videos. :) I need need need a camera. A a new dresser. PLEASE. Can't wait til I attain basic goals. I'm over myself. Lol. I'm over him. I'm over her. I'm over this system. I'm finding peace at last!

P.S. Shayla, I really like this girl's hair progress from perm to natural, you may find it useful as well. http://feliciaunique.blogspot.com/2010/08/90-days-hair-challenge-low-manipulation.html

"An exit to escape is all there is left to find."

It looks like she's in a coma. In a lulled hush, a whisper, an invisible vortex has sucked the floor out from beneath her bare feet. She stands on nothing now, location Solitude City. She can't remember who you are and what you were. As all sound fades, as all color fades, as all distinction fades, everything becomes a blur. Everyone becomes a distant voice. Everything goes dark now. Is this the woman you were looking for? She's not available to comment. As a matter of fact I think she's having an out of body experience. Who are you? Where are you? Why are you not happy or sad? Why are you indifferent? Why does nothing matter anymore? Is your life on mute? Are you not alive? Why do you continue to live in the land between this world and the next?

Praying. Blinding light. Close your eyes. Are you dreaming or are you awake? Are you over this? Are you escaping? It all feels like one big game. Wake up. :( Get out.

Fatal (Excuse)tion.

Sometimes it feels impossible to write what is needed in here.
You wake up one day and realize that it is of little benefit to type in this box if it is of benefit to no one. If you don't know me, how can you hope to understand me?
This little box can only encompass fragments of my life, which is no way a narrative, but perhaps a collection of thoughts or theories, and goals. My blog is my voice whispering into your ears, hoping as my words hit the screen they come alive in some way.

We get so wrapped up in our own lives, we often lose interest in the lives of those around us. We fall prey to materialism. We drown out our innocence and absorb the invisible toxins that fill the air, spreading famine, warfare, hatred, and hopelessness. Love can only be acquired through true forgiveness, humility, and patience. It is a learned behavior, constantly needing refining. In this world it is easy to become self absorbed, self pitying, self loathing. But hard to gain hold on the real life (La Vita E Bella).

As I challenge everything I once thought I was, as I thrust open the hatch
reaching in for my soul back, as I grab onto the truth and hold on tight, it is as
if I've entered a vortex of blinding light where everything around me falls away. My fears. My old friendships. My old habits. My old thoughts. My old life. Is all gone through the milky way. Like the blink of an eye, we are all interconnected, secretly knowing one another's aspirations, clinging to one another's warmth. We feel no logic, just raw emotions that rock and sway over us, sucking us out to sea like sand washing away from shore. We become but a grain of sand in this infinite universe, and yet we impact just enough to create a ripple effect. Can you hear the cries of those around us that are impacted by this corruption? Consumerism in America equals 10 cents a day in Ecuador. A brand new iPhone equals slavery operated mines in sub Saharan Africa. Our inexpensive bananas equal slavery and plantations on the coasts of South America. Our greed. Our lust. Our guns. Equal someone else's disease, bloodshed, and poverty. It pays to simplify our needs. It pays to help the poor man sitting next to you on the bus. It pays to do community service. It pays to learn another language. It pays to pray for your fellowman. Forgive. Let go. You are just as guilty as I am. We are imperfect creatures, hanging in the balance, fragile, privileged, and short life spans. We cannot afford to be selfish.

In complete retrospect...I know I'm very grounded.

I'm baking a blueberry upside down cake right now. And I'm not a frequent dessert baker, so I'm going back downstairs. This video has been pretty funny to me. The whole concept, the sound, the angles, the artistic perspective. I need to never forget it.

Edits: The cake has been completed wooooo.


And very yummy. If I could do it all over I'd do 3/4 cups of sugar instead of 1 cup. That's about the only difference. I seem to be a good cake baker. Along with cook. Too tired now. But happy. Satisfied. Dreamy.


More details on the inner workings of my
mind when it isn't running off of butter sugar blueberries and more butter.

Freedom without guidance is like sunshine without rain says L.K.

No real entry now. I just feel blessed. I am blessed. I can feel positivity radiate off me like golden rays of sunshine. I love loving you. All of you. Nothing could compare to His love. Life sparkles even when I'm struggling. I can still see the light at the end of each tunnel. Don't give up on me, no not yet. I have something special in store for just the two of us. <3

You know we can do whatever we want right?

Fill the earth and subdue it. I want to train myself to do so much. Let's just take it one step at a time. Don't limit yourself. Keep pushing. Keep praying. Keep thinking. You will be more than okay. You will be great. An encourager. A missionary. A pioneer. An interpreter. A friend. A wife. A husband. A father. A mother. A sister. A brother. A shining light out of the dark. It starts with a simple flicker, a single spark. And then creation was born. And then out I fled from the womb. Brilliant. Beaming. Star.
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Last Thought of the night:

Sometimes when I talk to you I feel like I was given a broken record, or a toy with only so many recordings. "You can do it!", "You make me sick!" "I love you." "You need to move out if you can't handle it." "All the bible means is these three things..." A---broken---toy. One that if a child was to play with, they would quickly wish to toss aside. We all have our struggles in this life, and sometimes I find myself feeling broken too. I know Jehovah can help me piece things back together. At least for now I can admit my shortcomings, and strive to fix them. The hot searing frustration is turning into calm bewilderment and quiet sighs. You are always forgiven. I forgive you for not being able to be any closer to me. My heart will always soften still. "And it was all yellow."