growth spurt

As priorities change, life teaches you new things--the easy or the hard way.
But either way we all come around eventually. My mom said something to that effect one day. It resonated in my mind as clear as my own mocha brown hands typing in front of me.

I have changed my view on love substantially.

He no longer has my heart. No one does. I'm in this for myself. No more crying over split milk.
Because it's not not you'll never drink milk again. It's just at that moment you wished you'd been a bit more careful. Well...I was careful. Just wish I could meet someone amazing like him and things actually work well between us. Who knows? The story isn't over. It's just beginning really.
It's just a story can be told between a kiss. One that I cannot share with anyone but them. And it told me what I wanted to hear. Maybe that's all just make believe...or maybe not.

Love is a virtue. It is how you treat the person you care for, not what you say. It is a way of life. But I realized the best way to learn to love is to achieve happiness within in yourself and allow you to come first. Learn your likes and dislikes. Treat yourself well. Don't wait for someone else to all your life. You won't ever learn what love really is if you take take take and never really give. It is the art of giving. Of putting another in some ways before yourself. Sex is involved, but by no means the dominant characteristic of love.

If it was up to me I would love to give myself to the person of my affections; to show them just how much of myself I was willing to unveil and reveal to them. To carry them with me in my heart always. To experience the beauty of life with. To build with. To grow old with. I think I'll start with friendships. Just work my way up. People have a tendency to get involved for the wrong reasons. Their goals of what they want together tend to be delusional and blindsided by their affections for one another.

A relationship to me should be built on a strong foundation. Mutual attraction is a factor. Age is a factor. Morals are a factor. Health is a factor.

I sound uber technical, but I'm on my own pseudo diary for heaven's sake. Lol heaven's sake. Why do I talk like this?
I feel I have the tendency to go extremely deep.

But on another note of relationships...I do not want to go back to my ex. I want to shed that relationship like dead skin. Not that I wont' always love him, I just cannot see myself truly happy with him. Every relationship will challenge you in at least 10 basic ways. The question is can you deal with those ten? Or will it prove to be too much?

And will your love for them conquer their faults?

When I look into your eyes I see pools of emotional pain. While standing with you my heart dies a thousand deaths (cliche no?), continuously reaching out. I recognize the insanity here, and yet I continue to attempt. Hoping earnestly that one day you will reach back and things will change.

I should turn away. I shouldn't care. But that is not who I am, or who I want to be.




Furthermore, being single should not make you miserable. It should be a learning experience.

we've fallen. [choking on nothing...]

im feeling very complex right now. just not in the mood. i think im slowly losing my mind. everything i once thought was worth it and could work i have many doubts and holes in at the moment. all i can do is pray and stay to myself.

there's a reason i don't write in here.


it's because i can't tell you everything. i don't know who will access this, and then again, they don't even really matter.
just know that i feel very alone as far as my love life goes. i have a feeling that ill be feeling that way for a while. why can't he just open up and not cause me so much grief?
i just wanna roll underneath the covers and forget this all happened.
i feel my destiny in life will run along a lonely journey.
think im borderline depressed.
school doesn't really matter enough right now.
need to get my life on track. maybe my priorities are off.

whatever the case--things can't stay as they are.

Change whether you like it or not.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LHtNFZ6K0pE

http://www.youtube.com/results?search_query=RFID+chip&search_type=&aq=f

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZlcPWa6SomE

This is too much.
But I can't continue to ignore it.

Disconnect.

Most people are other people. Their thoughts are someone elses opinions, their lives a mimicry, their passions a quotation.

A man can be happy with any woman as long as he does not love her.

Oscar Wilde

Blog needed.

Today in my mind was at a breaking point. A poignant moment if you will.
I've exhausted much of my childhood with my parents. And I feel that. I feel the need to find my own way to places. The need to get a real job. The need to move out. The need to have mature conversations with them.

Today--my mother reminded me just how much.
Just by disrespecting me and a friend.
I realize that her and I have poor communication.
And that this may continue throughout most of my life.

I'm dissatisfied with my home relationships. Even FELiX<3, color="#66ff99">Ready to make some changes.
Life is supposed to be spent enjoying the little things. Spending time with those you love.
Doing for others. Smiling. Laughing. Meditating on principles. Growing physically, mentally, spiritually, metaphysically.

Right now the level of disrespect sticks out obtrusively in my mind. Like a sore, scab, rash or something.
Need a good time.
Wanna lay in the grass. Make out. Dance in close to nothing. Be away.

10 things I NEED to be thankful for.
1. My family, even when they make it hard on me.
2. My friends :DDDD
3. Prayer
4. Meditation
5. The fact that I currently have somewhere to come home to. Some peace of mind.
6. Cooking great food. It gets me off. I swear.
7. Love making. Stress release. Mucho.
8. The fact that I can see the beauty in this world everywhere.
9. That I'm alive. I can make great change. Opportunity is around every corner.
10. Love. And those that love us. It's essential to my sanity. I swear.

Sit back. Relax. Enjoy.

--Let me show you what I have to offer.
My love is profoundly deep.
And I will be your defender when NO ONE else cares.
I will hold you when you just want me close.
I will kiss you even through your tears.
And be there for you year after year...--

I've been told I'm introverted.
Introvert=a person characterized by concern primarily with his or her own thoughts and feelings.

Maybe that's the truth because I refuse to engage in these random sharing conversations with everyone lately. Just close friends. And who cares about chatting mindlessly about the tv show you saw yesterday? I don't. Because I don't engage doesn't mean I don't care. It just means, what you're saying has no point, thusly, why should I acknowledge the statement?

Have you realized I only choose to speak when necessary?
When a thought is piercing through me like a bright light illuminating the corners of a dark room I'll share mine.
My life is MINE. Therefore, I don't expect you to care to hear every waking moment of my life.


Sometimes I don't know what people expect from me. Mindless gossip isn't my forte, or interest.
Womp the **** womp.

Rewind. Reflect. Re-evaluate.

[12:50 AM edits]
-->"Bulldoze the life out of me."
Download The Moment I Said It by Imogen Heap.

You won't regret it.
That's my life. In a nut shell.
WTF is my problem?
I just want nothing.
I ask for solace and simplicity.
Where did I go wrong?
...*sigh*...
"I promise it'll all seem better somehow in time."
I'm listening to it as I type this.

He came tonight...and I want to cry. But...
How?
Stop being sorry for yourself. I'm not.
Do your homework.
Lol. "I'm losing you. Trust me on this one."
-------
Orignal Entry begins here.

Questions race through my thoughts...
About life.
About values.
About what's really essential to our happiness.
Society needs boundaries.
I need freedom.
Watching Jumper reminded me the limits to freedom.
If I could jump would I be in school?
Would I have my friends?
would I hide it?

Is life really just one big question mark?
Are my relationships (God, friends & fam, classmates, authority figures) healthy?
How do we reach euphoria?
How do we humble ourselves?
How do we recognize faults?
How biased am I?

Do I want to be with these people? REALLY?
Are you denying the truth? Are you weak?
Clarity. I'm not emotional.
I'm distantly dreaming. Reaching.
It feels like The Stranger and his need for existentialism...
Don't get me wrong I believe in karma and God and fate.

Just floating on this cloud...feeling people drift in and out of my life.
I desire solidity. I want people who will really be there.
But what....if....they....get hurt? die? move away?

Wake up to reality Lystra.
The war is not over.
I'm battling within myself.
Seeking solace and answers.
I don't even fucking trust writing all my truths on the godforsaken website.

Google.
lmfao.