Random beautiful woman who helps me rethink my hair process. I am thinking.
S.i.n.g.l.e. is my silent motto.
I remember when I first started that mantra: "Single". "Single and not looking." But since when did that turn to single and happy and liberated? Well, I think fairly recently.
It all started in that first moment when I read the story about the woman whose husband died in the train accident. She locked herself in a room and slowly began to acknowledge her new found self. This was poignant and refreshing to me somehow. She didn't have anyone to answer to. No one to tell her what food she had to like, or where she was going--she could be herself, without anyone's help. "Free," she whispered at first, and then louder and louder. She she stood up slowly looking out the window at the beginning of spring. Spring was her metaphorical new found self. A part that had yet to be explored. She was shaking with elation.
This feeling during this time of the end is the single most focused thought I have ever had the privilege to experience. The silent knowing. The devotion I can give to my relationship with Jah. The tip toeing of my feet into my bed with no one in it to cater to. The kisses I bestow on myself. The love I feel anyway. The friends I find time to meet. The places I find time to go, at liberty to do them without leaving him out of the picture.
This is subject to change for I am still young. But I relish in it. My body shakes with elation, inside that is. It is nice to feel...peace. Who can know the freedom of letting go.
Of course no man-woman relationship in my life is replaced by something else. Voids are terrible really. You are itching to fill them. But when you have found you replacement, you know you are sustained.
In a world where so much of your time is spent doing so many things, when you get a break, do you really always want to spend it with your significant other? I don't. Lol. I want to breathe and do what I want, at my own pace. Really. I love you, I love you all. But as a friend, I need to chill and not feel like I'm married to you either.
Is this the story of my life? Of my joys? Will I never get that close again?
I think this is a realistic question. One that you cannot answer for me, nor would I want any man to. It is my journey alone, excuse me, only with Jah is this possible. He has liberated me and I answer to him. And I genuinely want to commit to this single course for a while.
I remember getting older and watching all of my favorite women in fascination.
These women found themselves and knew themselves by themselves. Even the book, Their Eyes Were Watching God moved me because Janie found solace and was able to walk alone confidently after she lost her husband. Not all miserable, but dignified. She picked herself up after Teacake passed on and did her thing, and still looked bangin. I love it. She had hopes and aspirations to live. This is what she wanted most. These women I knew all tried love, and accepted their losses. They were all very beautiful in their own way. And yet, as we get older, some of us get lonely. Well, this is something understandable. This is something that is practically impossible, if you find comfort in the things I do.
But my dear friends, that is a private matter. One which I'd rather have a more intimate audience. Sometimes you just have to let things go. Release them. This singularity needed to be released like the stereotypical phrase like bird from its cage. Whether the bird will come back, who knows?
Sidenote-
I love men, but the relationship realm does not entertain my thoughts. I bid you adieu les hommes. At least for this part of my life, at least until whenever. At 30 I want to be strapped to a bed my my ovaries start dropping. I pray to Jah about that all the time, and I'm sure I will then too. Or at least, I'm trying to, far more often.
So long, and good night. *Bisous*
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