Single does it.

Screw the whole couple shindig.

I only want to be with you if you make the cut. I'm in no rush. As a matter of fact this is the FIRST TIME in my life I can say I'm not lonely. Never again to be with a drag, a hindrance, a hypocrite. I want someone who meets my unique standards. I could go all into that but why? I'm getting older. When my family members asked if I had a boyfriend or what type of wife I will make all I can do is mumble under my breath or a quick, "Oh I'm not talking to anyone."
This is my youth. I should be having the time of my life. And I think it's more than time to get that ball rolling. I want everyday I wake to be a new enjoyable adrenaline rushing mentally and physically stimulating experience.
No need to get involved with anyone in particular. But my eyes and heart are open.

Just learning how to deal with the aching moments of sexual tension. ^.^ Oh yes. I'm soooo glad that's finally calming down.

Guess somewhere deep down I'm done with heartache. It's time to grow up. :DDD

"This is LIFE, and it's sort of all we have."

So I watched this movie Garden State by Zach Braff. If you enjoy a quirky love story this one's for you. So touched when I saw it.
But here are some truths in the matters of living:

Pain is a reality sometimes, but without it how would you know you were living?
When you close yourself off from the very thing that is showing you something's not right, YOU AREN'T LIVING.

Don't be afraid to take a chance. Don't get mad when things don't go "as planned".
Don't regret. Don't over analyze. Don't say things you don't want to happen. It's probably the quickest way you can get it to happen.

I'm learning so much I think my brain hurts. It's cumbersome at times, but I know this is a part of growing up.

On another note I went to see a psychic. Although I felt the information was very truthful I don't recommend it. Now that I've thought on it I don't want to find out everything that's going to happen, let alone allow myself to succumb to any means to find out.
Maybe I should just LIVE and let live.

To do is to be. I think there are a thousand proverbs in my blog. If you pay attention.
I feel like what the psychic did was allow guidance, but she did not push for me to do anything.
She told me of God, my relationships, my aura, resolutions, and my future. All for 15 dollars. Is that legal? Lol.

Something doesn't sit right in my gut.
So it isn't right.
Soooo...enough there.

I don't really wanna share too much today. Just things to highlight.
I think looking for relationships is totally a bad idea.
Some great advice I received: Guys grow up really slow. So just focus on your friendships. You'll have plenty of time to meet that guy.


So it is. And I'm happy. I have goals. I have friends. I have joy. I have GOD. I have some peace. Working on eating right.
I'm outtie<3

Decisions, decisions.

and more bloody decisions.

Life is testing me. Like so much that I have to ask myself what for? What the hell does it all mean? Am I getting this or not?

This kid still won't call. Lol the smart sensible side says fuck that kid.
Life has far too many things to offer you. He was a pit stop--a sign in passing if you will.
But apparently nothing for keeps.
I feel if someone is meant to be in my life it wouldn't be so hard to keep them close.
So my vow to myself is to let the chips fall where they may. I have imposed my will--every fiber of my being into this. Insanity yields stupidity. Move the hell on. There's a fork in the road. Let's try going left this time.

My soul is beautiful. I've been reading The Secret by Rhonda Byrne.
The universe is there to help you. All you have to do is ask and of world of opportunity suddenly is at your doorstep.
Guess I'll take an excerpt.

"When you focus your thoughts on something you want, and you hold that focus, you are in that moment summoning the mightiest power in the Universe. The law of attraction doesn't compute "don't" or "not or "no" or any other words of negation. As you speak words of negation, this is what the law of attraction is receiving:
'I don't want to spill something on this outfit.'
Meaning 'I want to spill something on this outfit and I want to continue spilling more things.'"
(Byrne, 14)

More on that later.

Just a care and share. By the way--the birthday was absolute magic.
I felt it. I still do. And I am 18. I don't care who thinks that age doesn't mean anything.
It definitely means A LOT to me. I feel blessed.

growth spurt

As priorities change, life teaches you new things--the easy or the hard way.
But either way we all come around eventually. My mom said something to that effect one day. It resonated in my mind as clear as my own mocha brown hands typing in front of me.

I have changed my view on love substantially.

He no longer has my heart. No one does. I'm in this for myself. No more crying over split milk.
Because it's not not you'll never drink milk again. It's just at that moment you wished you'd been a bit more careful. Well...I was careful. Just wish I could meet someone amazing like him and things actually work well between us. Who knows? The story isn't over. It's just beginning really.
It's just a story can be told between a kiss. One that I cannot share with anyone but them. And it told me what I wanted to hear. Maybe that's all just make believe...or maybe not.

Love is a virtue. It is how you treat the person you care for, not what you say. It is a way of life. But I realized the best way to learn to love is to achieve happiness within in yourself and allow you to come first. Learn your likes and dislikes. Treat yourself well. Don't wait for someone else to all your life. You won't ever learn what love really is if you take take take and never really give. It is the art of giving. Of putting another in some ways before yourself. Sex is involved, but by no means the dominant characteristic of love.

If it was up to me I would love to give myself to the person of my affections; to show them just how much of myself I was willing to unveil and reveal to them. To carry them with me in my heart always. To experience the beauty of life with. To build with. To grow old with. I think I'll start with friendships. Just work my way up. People have a tendency to get involved for the wrong reasons. Their goals of what they want together tend to be delusional and blindsided by their affections for one another.

A relationship to me should be built on a strong foundation. Mutual attraction is a factor. Age is a factor. Morals are a factor. Health is a factor.

I sound uber technical, but I'm on my own pseudo diary for heaven's sake. Lol heaven's sake. Why do I talk like this?
I feel I have the tendency to go extremely deep.

But on another note of relationships...I do not want to go back to my ex. I want to shed that relationship like dead skin. Not that I wont' always love him, I just cannot see myself truly happy with him. Every relationship will challenge you in at least 10 basic ways. The question is can you deal with those ten? Or will it prove to be too much?

And will your love for them conquer their faults?

When I look into your eyes I see pools of emotional pain. While standing with you my heart dies a thousand deaths (cliche no?), continuously reaching out. I recognize the insanity here, and yet I continue to attempt. Hoping earnestly that one day you will reach back and things will change.

I should turn away. I shouldn't care. But that is not who I am, or who I want to be.




Furthermore, being single should not make you miserable. It should be a learning experience.

we've fallen. [choking on nothing...]

im feeling very complex right now. just not in the mood. i think im slowly losing my mind. everything i once thought was worth it and could work i have many doubts and holes in at the moment. all i can do is pray and stay to myself.

there's a reason i don't write in here.


it's because i can't tell you everything. i don't know who will access this, and then again, they don't even really matter.
just know that i feel very alone as far as my love life goes. i have a feeling that ill be feeling that way for a while. why can't he just open up and not cause me so much grief?
i just wanna roll underneath the covers and forget this all happened.
i feel my destiny in life will run along a lonely journey.
think im borderline depressed.
school doesn't really matter enough right now.
need to get my life on track. maybe my priorities are off.

whatever the case--things can't stay as they are.

Change whether you like it or not.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LHtNFZ6K0pE

http://www.youtube.com/results?search_query=RFID+chip&search_type=&aq=f

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZlcPWa6SomE

This is too much.
But I can't continue to ignore it.

Disconnect.

Most people are other people. Their thoughts are someone elses opinions, their lives a mimicry, their passions a quotation.

A man can be happy with any woman as long as he does not love her.

Oscar Wilde

Blog needed.

Today in my mind was at a breaking point. A poignant moment if you will.
I've exhausted much of my childhood with my parents. And I feel that. I feel the need to find my own way to places. The need to get a real job. The need to move out. The need to have mature conversations with them.

Today--my mother reminded me just how much.
Just by disrespecting me and a friend.
I realize that her and I have poor communication.
And that this may continue throughout most of my life.

I'm dissatisfied with my home relationships. Even FELiX<3, color="#66ff99">Ready to make some changes.
Life is supposed to be spent enjoying the little things. Spending time with those you love.
Doing for others. Smiling. Laughing. Meditating on principles. Growing physically, mentally, spiritually, metaphysically.

Right now the level of disrespect sticks out obtrusively in my mind. Like a sore, scab, rash or something.
Need a good time.
Wanna lay in the grass. Make out. Dance in close to nothing. Be away.

10 things I NEED to be thankful for.
1. My family, even when they make it hard on me.
2. My friends :DDDD
3. Prayer
4. Meditation
5. The fact that I currently have somewhere to come home to. Some peace of mind.
6. Cooking great food. It gets me off. I swear.
7. Love making. Stress release. Mucho.
8. The fact that I can see the beauty in this world everywhere.
9. That I'm alive. I can make great change. Opportunity is around every corner.
10. Love. And those that love us. It's essential to my sanity. I swear.

Sit back. Relax. Enjoy.

--Let me show you what I have to offer.
My love is profoundly deep.
And I will be your defender when NO ONE else cares.
I will hold you when you just want me close.
I will kiss you even through your tears.
And be there for you year after year...--

I've been told I'm introverted.
Introvert=a person characterized by concern primarily with his or her own thoughts and feelings.

Maybe that's the truth because I refuse to engage in these random sharing conversations with everyone lately. Just close friends. And who cares about chatting mindlessly about the tv show you saw yesterday? I don't. Because I don't engage doesn't mean I don't care. It just means, what you're saying has no point, thusly, why should I acknowledge the statement?

Have you realized I only choose to speak when necessary?
When a thought is piercing through me like a bright light illuminating the corners of a dark room I'll share mine.
My life is MINE. Therefore, I don't expect you to care to hear every waking moment of my life.


Sometimes I don't know what people expect from me. Mindless gossip isn't my forte, or interest.
Womp the **** womp.

Rewind. Reflect. Re-evaluate.

[12:50 AM edits]
-->"Bulldoze the life out of me."
Download The Moment I Said It by Imogen Heap.

You won't regret it.
That's my life. In a nut shell.
WTF is my problem?
I just want nothing.
I ask for solace and simplicity.
Where did I go wrong?
...*sigh*...
"I promise it'll all seem better somehow in time."
I'm listening to it as I type this.

He came tonight...and I want to cry. But...
How?
Stop being sorry for yourself. I'm not.
Do your homework.
Lol. "I'm losing you. Trust me on this one."
-------
Orignal Entry begins here.

Questions race through my thoughts...
About life.
About values.
About what's really essential to our happiness.
Society needs boundaries.
I need freedom.
Watching Jumper reminded me the limits to freedom.
If I could jump would I be in school?
Would I have my friends?
would I hide it?

Is life really just one big question mark?
Are my relationships (God, friends & fam, classmates, authority figures) healthy?
How do we reach euphoria?
How do we humble ourselves?
How do we recognize faults?
How biased am I?

Do I want to be with these people? REALLY?
Are you denying the truth? Are you weak?
Clarity. I'm not emotional.
I'm distantly dreaming. Reaching.
It feels like The Stranger and his need for existentialism...
Don't get me wrong I believe in karma and God and fate.

Just floating on this cloud...feeling people drift in and out of my life.
I desire solidity. I want people who will really be there.
But what....if....they....get hurt? die? move away?

Wake up to reality Lystra.
The war is not over.
I'm battling within myself.
Seeking solace and answers.
I don't even fucking trust writing all my truths on the godforsaken website.

Google.
lmfao.

Art is in my name.

Lystra spelled backwards equals Artsyl.
I love my friends.

And I am beginning to realize just how overindulgent I can be.
Music. Food. Love. Sex. Art, although music is...I separate.

This week has yet again opened my eyes.
And sex is beautiful. Fuck what they say.
I'm savoring every moment of my life. Holding on to those I love.
I wish I could spend so much more time with them.
That's an African tree froggie thinger.
So cool. Would never touch em but heyyy.

Thinking about double majoring.
Or Hospitality Management as my major and Environmental Science as my minor.
I love the earth too damn much to watch people destroy it.
Just wanna taser some b*tches, see how they like it.

Staring blankly at my homework. It's 10 o'clock and I'm ignoring it.
Tomorrow I have two tests. I wanna run away with you.
Kiss you all day. Dream big dreams. Explore the grand great gargantuan (lol alliteration) world.
I wanna love. F8ck them and what they have to say.


Life is good. Love is better.
Saving the rest for another day.

No time.

No time these days.
Everything has to be scheduled meticulously.
Is this the life I want to lead?
No. Not at all actually.



Just wanna get this license. Get a job. Save. Save. Save.
Drive away with friends. Make love, not war.
Cook lots. Get my own crib. Yes. I said crib.

Save the world from people. Because as a whole [factually] face it, we are ignorant.

I am for the first time seriously waking to the HARSH realities of life.
First the sugar coated veil vanished. Now the blinders have been removed. The peripheral vision is in full effect. This world is polluted so badly, it's hard to open your eyes.
Mines have been.
I'm sick with empathy. And disgust.

What happened to the simple moments of joy and relaxation?
Need more of those.
They seemed to die when school started.

Why do I want to be friends with you?
Am I still being foolish?
I think so.
But, broken relationships are exhausting me.

I feel alone.

Silhouette

There's a shadow standing next to me.
A void of what I feel should be.
It consistently taunts me.
God, won't you tell me what is wrong with me?
I have so much love, and yet it stays repressed.

I can't even smile the same these days.
Because in the back of this mind, peace is missing.
Solace to be had.

This is the first time in my life where the door stays cracked and won't open.
Do I have baggage?
Or is it the guys I go for?
I don't know what to think anymore.

My evenings were spent thinking of ways to fix this.
I wish I hadn't wasted my time.
It could've been so much better than this.

You don't seem to realize what you just did.

So yet again, I walk.
Far away.
Refusing to share the heaviness on my heart.
Just accepting the facts.

Maybe I'm just not meant to.
. . .

Dogmatic: Fuckkk

I'm tired of feeling anything.
Honestly, I'm better off alone.
But I always let down my guard. Just long enough.
Just enough for you to test me.

And I lose.
Lose it.
Lose hope.
Lose patience. But it's my fault.
So fuck it.

New Found Love.

????????????
That's how the inside of my head is right now.
This meeting seems so fated. My heart is racing. Far more than just physical attraction.
But relinquishing control in my life has allowed me to see just what God has in store for my life.

Don't wanna get overly religious or offend anyone, but just wish we all would pay more attention.
Maybe we can't control the aspects of our lives that we love most.
But maybe that's why we love them. Because we can't make them ourselves. I'm so grateful, so humbled, so in awe that I don't even want to say much more about it.

And also....I keep playing "The Little Things" over and over. Still enjoying it. You can always find a song to suit your circumstances.

School is hardcore. Point blank. Speech is attempting to seriously kick my ass.

Enough said for now.
Oh and the funeral is tommorow. We haven't left yet and we're supposed to be beating the storm.
Lame.

Dreaming into reality.

Even though I haven't made my way there yet, I want to.
I find it funny the way fate works. Here I am, learning to embrace the circumstances.
Meeting new people, when I never thought I would.
Finding new love.
Or what I consider love. I think people's ideals on love are grossly misguided by today's portrayal of what love is (i.e. sexual acts, physical attraction, obsessing).
Not really. I call that infatuation. Don't get me wrong. Love can be shown through sex. But if that is its base, it will NEVER grow.
My friend is behind me snoring loudly.
Sorry, side note.

But for me living without giving that part of myself is like living without part of myself.
Shayla and I had this discussion the other night. I call it "The Adam's Eve Complex". Eve was made from Adam's rib as a gift to Adam. God's gift.

But anyway...What part am I talking about?
Good question.

I think the deeper parts of myself. But I won't share that with just anyone. My trust has been growing much thinner of guys lately. Which feels stifling. And and overwhelming sexual tension that tears into my thoughts. =) Wonderful. I don't trust myself when it comes to sex! Think I literally lose my mind..sometimes. Lol.

I'm an idealist. An envision[er]. A lover. A rare commodity right now. I struggle between wanting to be close to someone, and maintaining my independence.
What if someone is staring me down right now?
I think I can see him. Slowing unveiling his true intentions.
I don't want to think. I want to know.

Only one way to find out.

Growing Up.

Growing up is one of the greatest gifts God has given all of us.
Maturing, reflecting on who I used to be makes me see just how strong we've become.
It's like when you remember the first time you fell and saw the blood when you skinned your knee you cry hysterically as you watch it ooze?
Well, now it's 15 years later. If you fell you be pissed, maybe shed a tear, but realize it doesn't matter. You can still walk. So you get up, dust yourself off. Probably clean up your own wound! Bandage it. Move on with life. Lol.



So taking baby steps into the real world may not be so bad after all.
It's difficult to come to the terms with the fact that someday if we're blessed/lucky/given the opportunity we will live on our own. Some of us will have children. Some of us will become profoundly wealthy. Some of us will struggle. We will love. We will watch our loved ones die. We will grow old. We have and will make our mark on the world.

But, I finally see the light on the far end of the tunnel (As cliche and frequent as that phrase is used and abused!). There are opportunities that are just waiting for us to grasp them. If we only could stop being so absorbed and wallowing in our hardships, maybe we'd see just how good we have it.

I have friends, I have my [six ] senses. I have a scholarship. The gift of grace and intellect. And by God if I don't make something great of myself I'd rather die.
I want to be a healer, a mother, a friend, a lover, an environmentalist, a motivator; I want to be the hand that catches you when you begin to fall short.

What is happening to us all?
Are we afraid of making something of ourselves?
We are not the dependent children we once claimed to be.
We are responsible for ourselves, and one day for our families.
We have to step up.

Not afraid to admit it. It's time.