Ecrire, ecrire pour moi, s'il vous plait

Can't force words to flow when they won't. I tapped the well so hard, the ground went dry, and now all I can do is wait for the next downpour, and pray that I hold on for dear life.

Orange Moon

Reflecting the light of the sun. I'm an orange moon.
In mon boudoir. Candlelight, moonshine (non-alcoholic), brown skin, sitting with the perfect posture, posed, perplexed by the pimple on her right cheek, and the clock saying 11:58. She just got home. How could it be so late, so soon?

As I watched the orange 3/4 moon peeking through the silhouette of branches of my silver maple tree, I smiled inside. Sitting in my ancient, desperate in need of reupholstering computer chair (That I should replace) I think about the myriad of possibilities placed before me at this very moment.

As I grow older, my understanding, particularly my relationships change. I'd like to type down my thoughts, but can never find the time. The clock ticks 4 minutes to 2 AM and I can only hope that sometime soon I will learn the art of sleeping.

Bad language isn't attractive, neither are bags beneath the eyes...

Tell Him He's Wonderful

To all my lovers out there:

I saw this video, and I thought of so many people. I thought mostly of what it's like to be married. That's so far ahead it feels like. But when I hear this song, I know why he's worth the wait. :)

Please watch if you can find the time in FULLSCREEN.

Surrealism brushes noses with realism

He wore a blue turban [Sihkism]. I wore a red headband.
He stood 6'2, me 5'4. He was a mental fatigue, and brain rupture.
I was a sensitizing junkie, tripping over the cerebral stimulation.
I wanted answers, he wanted closeness.

I am slowly beginning to understand how much smarter you get with time.
He reminds me of a grown up version of my old friend Jamie. After all of the drugs, the screaming, and the broken relationships he travels far away to find himself. It seems there are men who need that. Quite a few actually. I think I was dating one. I may have a bit of wonderlust in my blood myself. I usually am aching for an adventure, even when I'm tired (like now). It's pretty fascinating, what the vast ocean washes my way at times.

A salsa dance gone religious discussion/understanding. I attract diversity, and then get mad when I can't share my views and life with them. I met a woman who plays the ukelele and sand to me that I think I will not have the privilege of seeing anytime soon. She's so far away now...I think my life is just beginning to take shape. I feel I am 5 years old. Just learning how to feel, how to speak, how to think on my feet, and so many other knowledgeable processes.

I saw Jamie in him. I saw his mannerisms. His outlook. We are all definitely connected, but not in the way he thinks.

Anyway, I just felt so mentally stimulated I had to attempt to type. My brain is spinning super fast right now. It's wrapping its mind around all that was discussed. I am attempting to let go. O Jah, how could I be so curious? Is it foolish to want understanding???

Mango Tea Bread and Spicy Lamb Burger..I'm in heaven

So this summer isn't so adventurous as I'm used too. Yeah I'm used to disappearing and reappearing. I like that. It makes me feel Rogue-esque. But I suppose my inner workings weren't having that this summer. My original plans were in two weeks time to be on my $500 flight to San Ramon, Costa Rica. There I planned to take Latin dance and learn Spanish. I changed my mind. I'm sort of glad I did. But I still have to go on adventures. This stationary scene is just surreal. Sadly, I don't really have an adventure companion at this time. I'm thinking save up and go away for a weekend. Somewhere that has history, and is relatively close (east coast probs). I've never planned the adventures before. I've only been on them. But maybe it's high time for me to start planning. Because otherwise I see a bleak, dry, summer filled with beautiful days spent at the office looking out the window. Days off spent around the house. That is not me. So I will start a few researches for myself. I am going on a lot of journeys now at once. Perhaps that is why I cancelled my trip to a place reminiscent of paradise. There's more to that story, but, that will stay off of blogger. :)
I am currently experiencing a hair journey, spiritual journey, maturity journey, discipline journey in a very conscious way. I don't think where I am allows me to really travel far away. But end of July I think it will be high time. I work all the time, and play seldom. Working on that.

But I think currently small comforts keep me sane. Like me making mango tea bread. You can laugh. But here are my upcoming recipes:

Cucumber Raita
1 cup lowfat plain yogurt
1/2 medium cucumber, peeled, seeded and finely chopped
2 green onions, thinly sliced
1/4 cup chopped cilantro
1 teaspoon ground cumin
1/2 teaspoon ground ginger
Salt and pepper to taste

Spicy Lamb Burgers
1 teaspoon ground cumin
1/2 teaspoon ground coriander
1/4 teaspoon ground ginger
1/8 teaspoon ground cinnamon
1/8 teaspoon ground cloves
1/2 teaspoon sea salt
1/8 teaspoon ground black pepper
Cayenne pepper to taste
1 pound lean ground lamb
4 leaves romaine lettuce
2 whole wheat pitas, halved

~~~~~

3 ounces dried mango
1 cup chopped fresh mango, from 1 large ripe mango
2 1/2 cups unbleached all-purpose flour, plus more for dusting
3/4 cup sugar
1 1/2 teaspoons baking powder
3/4 teaspoon sea salt
1/2 teaspoon baking soda
1 banana, mashed
1/2 cup drained canned crushed pineapple
1/4 cup expeller-pressed canola oil
2 eggs
1/4 cup shredded unsweetened coconut____

Google has its way with me.

So, I'm too hot to post right now. Seriously need to put a cheesecloth over my AC. These stink bugs are not going to be flying in my room, chilling on my arm while I'm asleep. I don't care how much I love nature. I don't like critters in my bed with me.

*Sigh*

Writing is a form of raw self expression. I can be as creative as I want, without worrying about purchasing paint, or finding enough time to delve deep into my subconscious thoughts. Writing has an instant gratification of sorts. If I press on the keys, words can be created, manipulated, and stimulate me.

Lexicon? Not quite. Just in love with creating. And when time does not allow much else, I will not be stifled. I temper my speech. I temper my thoughts. But I refuse to silence my ideas--at least for now. It's not like I spend every waking moment sharing with you. I just need to...vent without response sometimes. I need to be able to read this later, and remember where I was when I wrote it.

Reggae is fluid in the background. My body is hot. I spent 3 hours in the kitchen. A shower is in order. Cooking is a form of creation, but cooking costs. And sometimes that alone is a turn off.

Can you believe I feel like I'm 20? I also feel like I'm definitely not a kid anymore. I feel responsibilities. I feel the need to get to the point. I feel the need to share my experiences, and yet with no one in particular at this time. I'm glad I'm not the needy type, because I sure would be frustrated.

But you know what is frustrating? When you attempt to share your perspective with someone and you feel like it's all you, and none of them. Like they are not sharing one ounce of themselves. It's a 90/10 relationship. And I don't do well in them.

Anyway, I told you I was hot.

Can't wait for the cheesecloth, and the curtains, and to paint this second window.
Art does put the soul in another place. In that place I feel more complete.
I pray for balance. Color. Sound. Dimension. Depth perception. Life. Thought. Cleansing. Soothing. Stimulation. Physical. Spiritual. Mental. Refining.
----

EDITS: Google has been giving me a hard time logging in.

When I think about the future, it is not clear. I don't see anyone in particular in it. I don't see myself in any particular location, but I know I want to go away from here. I don't even see myself speaking English as opposed to something else. I just know it's time to move. It's time my darling. Stand up and work for what you want. Determined to make something of this life of mine. Please let me grow the right way. It gets confusing--hearing too many voices. But mines says, slow down. Think clearly. Don't rush to your grave. Smell the sweet scents that Jah brings your way. Breathe deeply. Say what you mean. Spend your time doing things that you couldn't imagine life without. Remember discipline. Life without it is nothing but a fool's paradise. Wasting away is sure to follow.
I think I'm too young to pick just one thing, but I sure know goals are important, or nothing is accomplished. Ah, it's only the way life is.

(I never ever give my heart away. I never ever want to waste away. I want to love, but until the time is right--when I feel safe I'll always be this way.)

"Give me the green light."

So sitting here playing John Legend, cuz I'm ready to go right now. So much to finish. These papers. These exams. This job. This salary. Ready to up and move. I am seriously making some changes in perspective, and I need flexibility.

A good friend of mines once said, "You've got until 25 to get it right, and then you are officially an adult." Hello! My clock is ticking. Sheesh. You know I'm adventurous. Only time will tell, but its my life, and I have the say in yay or nay. And I am praying to keep it progressive. Some part of me hesitates, but life doesn't stop in the moments you stop your progress.

So let's get it. :)

It's official. I'm not who you thought I was.

The clothes are sprawled along the bed, bubbling over in the laundry baskets, the sheets are pulled off the mattress, the books disheveled along the desk. I am sitting in the midst of a war zone. Fresh carpets, cozy robe, weary eyes, and sinking thoughts. I recap the course of the day. I think of the future. I sigh. I need a glass of water, and a shot of espresso. This night has to be productive.

I remember my friends through the course of my life. I remember that old converse shoe. I remember the old Jack Daniels bottle in the corner of our kitchen cabinet, that no one knew I used to sneak swigs from late at night. I remember the days tip toeing out of the back of the building to meet up with friends right when class started. I remember the hours on the phone, biting my bottom lip, hoping for one thing, and one thing only. Love.

The mere sight of a smiling face, of good taste, of spending the day away with someone you knew so well and could share anything with. It made my toes curl in a way le petite mort never could.
I found a family that made me home sick. I found a voice that made me proud of myself. I found a path that no amount of money could ever afford you. Broken down honda, high gas blues, high heeled shoes, black bibles encased in briefcases, hands clapping, arms open, smiles broad, laughter hard. I bit my bottom lip realizing I was in the midst of what I had been searching for. No strings attached other than unrequited love as never an option. I learned how to open my hands and stop hiding behind the computer screen. I learned how to pray, how to laugh, and I still am. I learned how to let go. I am learning how to give. I am loving like I never knew how. I am changing in ways I never saw. I am lifting barriers I didn't know existed. Life is not about the American Dream. It is not about finding the best job. It is for me about acknowledging the God that gave you oxygen to breathe, and giving back to him, because we can never possibly give him all he gives us. I cry when I think so many don't take the time to pray, or ask why is the earth so organized? Why are we so intricately made? Symmetrically designed proportionate beings with minds capable of building up and tearing down just about anything, and yet we know so little?
I am walking on a sidewalk, literature in hand smiling. I am flying far away. I am letting things go. I know we all have to move, and I have beg you to forgive me if I have hurt you. We each must make choices. I have found one that brings me greater joy than any human alone ever could.

Ready for a change

I did like my English class after all. I loved being encouraged to develop my writing abilities, and to articulate my thoughts. I remember in Mr. Miazga's 9th grade English class him discussing dynamic characters as being changed to great degree from their initial vantage point. I remember that character being the most interesting in the book. The static character was so far from me, so I decided when it was time to change I would indeed change.
And now, as I sit here, my whole body itches because as a snake, I am again indeed shedding an old layer of self. I am ready to let go of so much sometimes I can feel myself mentally purging. I wonder if others feel the need to let go and move on like I do.
This world is a funny place, one where corruption is common. So as I purge my old thoughts and desires, I see the futility of expending energy in certain avenues I once deemed "inspirational." How do I do that? I remember the last time I shed my old self, I dropped men--hard. I dropped music hard. I dropped materialism, and narcissism (somewhat). And now I am dropping the common view of the course of American living. I am a commoner I suppose. Simplicity is taking shape and form. It was once an ooblong, obtrusive form and is slowly molding into a softer, rounded shape. It is solidifying like the molding of clay. I am as a ceramic piece, waiting to be formed. Is it possible to grow up and drop the dead skin of youth and the falsehoods of men? Is it possible for the newer me to shine and thrive in the corrupted system? Only time will tell. :) And all I can do is continue to shed this old me.

The next time you see me you might not notice immediately, but I know you will see if you stay long enough...

Until my next tirade!
-L.K.

Fruit for Thought, Musically Inspired

So I fell out of the rap scene. On occasion I do take a peak, and today I heard something in Drake that made it all the more clear just how destroyed he is, and the music industry is. Think about it. He came into the rap industry within a year became the hottest on the market. In the midst of getting caught up with the new money, the new attention, he forgot about what mattered. And I'm sure when he finally got a chance to look around (or as they say: the smoke clears) like so many other music artists he saw reality. Cold, hard dollar bills, prostitution, rhymes on paper, and a binding contract that says I _________ choose to sell my soul for X # of zeros.
Think about what you are fighting for. Think about why you need to be accumulate things--to accumulate wealth. Wealth in this system equates to selling one's soul. I just hope you pay attention. I'm not saying a job isn't bad, but any job with close to a six figure income equates work becoming your life. As Drake says in this song, "It's funny how money can change everything." I think it's funny how many people strive for extensive material goods, and next thing you know, you are in debt or weighed down by your possessions. I would have posted his actual song, but he said some things that I just don't want on my blog. Ever.

Essentially, his song just encouraged me to remember to live simply, without the spotlight, and without the "grandeur". I am choosing my destiny right now. I am making choices that will impact me for many of my adult years. It pays to remember how to make my time matter. Praying often helps. Listening to my trained conscious helps.Jah lets me know what to put first, and it makes my heart glad. As long as I listen, the rest will follow.

Drake-Excerpt from "Fear"
"...
And I'ma keep it honest.
I'm so tired of being subtle.
It's just me, Forty, O, and Nek standing in a huddle.
Staring at the members of my team.
Who get questioned about they profit from this million dollar scheme.
Just know that am in debt for you defending all our dreams.
I hope you tell your families this sh** ain't what it seems.
But y'all the reason for a lot of my devotion.
You know I spend money because spending time is hopeless.
And know I pop bottles 'cuz I bottle my emotions.
At least I put it all in the open.
...
Welcome to my realest year.
Yeah.
I swear that we making a killing here.
I should be on top of the world here just chillin' here.
Uh.
But it's funny having fans.
Who find you before anybody ever has the chance, and build you up so You could be the biggest in the game.
And realize when you're there,
Sometimes the sh** don't feel the same.
Yeah.
And plus things are just surreal at home
People think I've changed just because my appeal has grown
And now security follow me everywhere so I never actually am alone, I just always feel alone.
I think I'm scared of what the future holds.
I was wishing for some things and now am used to those.
Every girl I meet thinks I'm ****ing groupie hoes.
The honesty of my music has left me too exposed.
All my old friends think I got a new crowd.
And people seem to notice every time I do smile.
I guess that mean they come few and far between.
Even though am living out what you would call the dream.
Yeah.
And my uncle ain't even messaging me.
And him missing in my life is kind of messing with me.
I hope this isn't one of those forever things.
It's funny how money can change everything.

(Chorus)
Don't believe the lies.
Look me in my eyes.
Please don't be scared of me.
Please don't be scared of me.
I remember you.
This feeling isn't new.
So please don't be scared of me.
Please don't be scared of me."

Ornithology is definitely one of my callings.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
P.S./Note to self: Read more about fire retardants on this website:

http://www.ewg.org/healthyhometips/fireretardants

Toxic Fingers

The Effects of Nail Polish Ingredients

Autumn Jones has been working as a freelance writer for the past four years. Her writing has appeared on eHow.com and travels.com. She wrote her first piece of fiction at the age of seven, majored in creative writing at Vassar college, and continues to pursue her passion for the written word as much as possible.
By Autumn Jones,eHow Contributor
The Effects of Nail Polish Ingredients

There's nothing like a pair of well-manicured hands. Glowing, smooth fingernails, chip-free color and nicely trimmed cuticles can signify class, glamor and maybe a little bit of wealth. Unfortunately, nail polish causes more than admiring glances. Regular commercial polish is full of dangerous chemicals that pose serious health threats to humans.

1.Toluene
Toluene is used as a solvent in nail polish, meaning that it dissolves other chemicals to create a solution. It's a dangerous chemical that causes birth defects in animals, affects the central nervous system and is fatal if swallowed.

2.Formaldehyde
Formaldehyde is another solvent with a hefty health risk attached: It's a known carcinogen, which means that it causes cancer, no question. The fumes of formaldehyde are irritating to mucus membranes in the eyes, nose and throat.

3.Ethyl Acetate
Ethyl acetate evaporates from the nail, which causes the polish to dry and harden. This means that you're breathing in the fumes from the chemical as your manicure sets. This solvent can pass through the skin, and prolonged exposure to the fumes can lead to lung, heart, kidney, and liver damage.

4.Butyl Acetate
Butyl acetate is also a solvent used in nail polishes; it's toxic, and causes irritation to eyes, skin and lungs.

5.Dibutyl Phthalate
Phthalates are easily absorbed chemicals that keep nail polish chip-free. The European Union has banned them, but they're legal in the United States. They're linked to early puberty in girls, low sperm count in men, sexual deformities and problems with fetal development.

6.Phthalic Anhydride
Dibutyl phthalate is often replaced with phthalic anhydride, which isn't much better. This chemical is also a major health concern. It may be toxic to human immune and respiratory systems, and can cause cancer, organ damage, and membrane irritation.

7. (Personal Addition)--It stinks, acetone is horrible on nails and has it's own host of side effects.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Why am I sharing this? Because I just had a debate with someone over Volatile Organic Compounds, which prompted me to research my reasoning for nail polish. There are alternatives. They are a bit pricier. That seems to be the way it is with so much these days....
*Deep sigh* I love my nails anyway.

The guy retorted saying essentially, "You are going to die one way or another. You may as well just live. These environmental regulations are being put in place to control the people."

My mental response, "The quality of the life you lead will determine your experiences and interactions with life. If you ask for little, you will receive little. If you ask for much, much will be given, but much will be required of you. So either step up and make sure you are well taken care of, or step down and someone will still control your life--indirectly, but they will. And by step up I mean actively pursue good things (e.g. healthy foods and activities) or be bombarded with everything and wind up a product of what you observe and interact with. It is a complex ideology that seems to be old fashioned, but with everything I have observed, sometimes old fashioned shouldn't be considered old at all.


Anyway, I have work to do. Word of advice: Never eat stale organic tortilla chips. Even if they taste fine. If they smell stale, throw them out!!!!!

Read more: The Effects of Nail Polish Ingredients | eHow.com http://www.ehow.com/about_5398440_effects-nail-polish-ingredients.html#ixzz1IgzOYcVX

Dreaming with Purpose, Washed Away from Shore

Sometimes I forget that blogger even exists, and then I think of my favorite melody, or my most treasured writings. I think of how on occasion my heart is poured on electronic paper. And in my own way I feel like I've found a part of myself that I'd left in hiding.

Today I feel renewed, invigorated with a new gift in presence. I am no longer a girl anymore. I feel the brink of womanhood, and spiritual awakening. I feel peace in my time of quiet. I have responsibilities as a lady, that I stand up and handle. I do not shy away from the task at hand. I no longer cling to the things or people of my childhood, or adolescence. As one who seeks to venture down a path of great meaning, I know my service. I foresee many adventures ahead, some more treacherous than others. I foresee confidence, beauty, grace, discipline, understanding, voice, strength, and unity. I feel these things in my bones, into my core. Virtue, faith, brotherhood, self-discipline are sure to follow. And love of course, is greater than all of these. That is what love is made of.

I find it interesting to watch as the tides change in the course of life. The ebb and flow of the waters drifting in and then further out to sea. I don't miss high tide, but I know someday it will return. But for now, it's good to be able to step along the shore, and sometimes get a little carried away. I feel full. I feel at peace. I feel patience.

But there is nothing particular to share. I am sitting in side hallway, more in a corridor on a tweed loveseat, thinking about the days ahead, and Jah makes them all the sweeter.

Self-Discipline.

Time needs to be scheduled and used to keep up with the truth. In planning our schedule for the week, there are three types of activity to take into consideration: (1) The things one must do, (2) the things one would like to do, and (3) the things one will do only if time permits. In the first category, the wise person puts matters pertaining to his spiritual life. Time is life! Those who do not use it wisely now will not have it at all later.

Carrot cake muffins in my tummy tum tum.

2 1/2 cups whole-wheat pastry flour

2 teaspoons baking powder

1 teaspoon baking soda

2 teaspoons ground cinnamon

1 teaspoon freshly grated nutmeg

1/2 teaspoon ground allspice

1/2 teaspoon ground cloves

1/2 teaspoon salt

2 eggs

1/3 cup raw brown (turbinado) sugar

1/3 cup canola oil

1 1/3 cups buttermilk

1 teaspoon vanilla extract

2/3 cup golden raisins tossed with 1 teaspoon unbleached all-purpose flour, or 2/3 cup chopped pecans

1 1/2 cups grated carrots

1. Preheat the oven to 375 degrees with the rack in the upper third of the space. Oil or butter muffin tins.

2. Sift together the whole-wheat pastry flour, baking powder, baking soda, spices and salt.

3. In a separate bowl, beat together the eggs, sugar, oil, buttermilk and vanilla. Using a whisk or a spatula, stir in the dry ingredients and mix until well combined. Do not beat; a few lumps are fine, but make sure there is no flour at the bottom of the bowl. Fold in the raisins or pecans and the carrots.

4. Spoon into muffin cups, filling them to just below the top (about 4/5 full). Place in the oven, and bake 25 minutes until lightly browned and well risen.

Yield: Twelve muffins, depending on the size of the muffin tins.

Advance preparation: These keep for a couple of days out of the refrigerator, for a few more days in the refrigerator and for a few months in the freezer.

Nutritional information per muffin (based on 12-muffin yield): 239 calories; 1 gram saturated fat; 2 grams polyunsaturated fat; 4 grams monounsaturated fat; 32 milligrams cholesterol; 38 grams carbohydrates; 4 grams dietary fiber; 323 milligrams sodium; 5 grams protein

Martha Rose Shulman is the author of "The Very Best of Recipes for Health."

D.iscover I.t Y.ourself

In the hardest moments, when I can't say a word for fear I might lose hope, I talk to you from inside. Know that right now, it doesn't matter where I find myself, because you will still find me.You will still love me, and I will still know you.

For the first time in my life, I really understand the meaning of a greater purpose.
I understand that it isn't about being worried, or thinking about the pain that has passed.
There's a peace right here that I can't even believe I have found, somehow.

And while I miss so many, I am sustained. I care for them no less than if they stood right next to me. I didn't know this feeling was possible. Ask me a year ago, and I would have still been trying to find this quiet serenity.

It's strange how life teaches you who to trust and how to trust. The answers and the truth is all around you. And if you really listen, and if you really want to know keep searching.
It always comes.

Patience. I am delivered. I am alive. I am right here, and not afraid, finally.

Living Life to the Full.

In a world of epiphanies...I realize,
Growing up (with Jah) isn't so bad.
When I see Ireland, I see myself lost in its splendor.
It moves me, the ancient parts of its culture, its remnants not forgotten are treasures that make my heart skip beats just thinking of standing on such fertile ground. To sleep in a field there would be so soothing. What I like most of all is the sound of flutes native to their land.

Sometimes I imagine I am there, just north of the coastline, with my house higher up in the mountains. I imagine living quietly, with great peace. I imagine the joys of simplicity.
I want nothing more than a warm cozy cottage/cabin on the side of a mountain. I want nothing more than to hold onto the one that created my thinking ability. I dream someday I will sit on the side of mountain, completely calm, in a state of serenity.

I foresee a beautiful life. But what it will take to get there, I am unsure. I just know that half the battles are over. I am not ashamed of this new found love and joy. It is altogether one the highest privileges I have been able to partake, and I am not coming back down.

Here I stand not alone but alive. Who else I will cross paths with I do not know.
If it's you I hope you know my idiosyncrasies.
Just kidding.

O how I love to vent. It is in solitude and I do not miss one thing.

The mind is a terrible to waste, especially on terrible things.-L.K.
-----
Excerpt from my thoughts on romantic love.

"My face in thine eye, thine in mine appears,
And true plain hearts do in the faces rest;
Where can we find two better hemispheres,
Without sharp north, without declining west?
Whatever dies, was not mix'd equally;
If our two loves be one, or, thou and I
Love so alike, that none do slacken, none can die."--John Donne, "The Good Morrow"

Could you fathom life with someone more than a lover?
A husband even? Such a bone chilling thought.
You know all of your loving capabilities,
and they are not to be wasted on anyone.
When you feel your time is coming,
Pray without letup. Be sure you are clear,
be sure you are right. Be careful of the treacherous heart.
Be wary of falling for the beauty of appearances and the vices of the flesh.
Allow council. Allow patience. Allow dignity...

Bougie Moment.

I need this in my life. Can't wait. MMMMM.

The Death of Childhood Romance.

An excerpt from my entry:

Nonetheless, I enjoyed learning something I didn't realize before.
It's such a baffling thing to comprehend--to love with the eyes and not the head first is to make one's own heart treacherous, and confused. It causes destruction, deception, abuse, loneliness, and heavy consequences. I remember what love was to me before I could take off my rose colored 3-D glasses and before I could have left that dark place where my own emotions took the luxury of running away with me. I let them sweep me off my feet, dazzle me, carry me into a distant land, and leave me washed ashore, talking to someone I hardly knew hoping he would finally, "be the one". I remember him, him, him, and him. I remember the nights I should have spent with friends, I instead spent on dates. I remember when lust turned to drudgery. I remember most of all the joy of letting this deformed view leave my spirit. This desperation I shed like old skin. I remember laughing at myself as I watched the old me wash away. I remember crying because I could not give up trying to be a better me. And I exist in a place where love must be understood, not enigmatic, foggy, or in deceptive. I know who I love, and what it takes to love. I know the feeling is not based on anything other than learning another's soul and what connects the two of us. It is not bitter. It is not proud. It is constant, and not fleeting. It does not change with the seasons. It remains with me all the time...

List of things to Do

from palzoo.net




So, that song is sad, but beautiful and reminiscent of 127 hours. James Franco is a beast.

But you know what...I have a lot of work to do and tonight I realized,
if I live I do live to Jehovah, and if I die, I die to Jehovah.
It kind of doesn't matter where I am, because that doesn't mean I leave him behind.
He is never forgotten, and he is and will always the light to my roadway. Helping me in decision making throughout my life. I laugh inside because I know to so many of you this may sound "religious", but my friends I'm sorry to tell you indeed it is very spiritual. And I am not in the least bit lost because I pray to Jah in all decisions. When I feel lost I pray, and it gets me through so much more than I ever thought it could possibly do.
I love Jah, and that ain't changing. Nuff said there.

Onto other news:
Arranging trip as of now
Kingdom Hall
Airfare
Funds
Clothes
Arrangements

School:
Exams, studying now. Not blogging. Studying. This is my clone typing.
Arrangements for summer courses.
Fix my DELL so I can pop cds in it.

Work:
Project to complete ASAP
Schools to contact
Site to visit

Personal:
:). Will jot in planner.

I love venting.
I love venting here.
I miss my creative side.
It calls me.
I think I may draw James F. tomorrow night.
He's got a lovely bone structure.
:).

Eyelids closed, breath shallow, thoughts refreshing, life--Jah's blessing.

I see this really awesome hiking shoe in my near future. Okay....maybe not this exact one, but this brand. I need and want a real hiking shoe!

I speak in riddles from time to time, but it's alright. The blog is here as way to interact with the world beyond the realm most evident to me. Shayla, I am still tripped out on what your psych prof said about academia and the web. What I am doing right now IS NOT PORNOGRAPHIC. Some of the best learned lessons do not happen in a classroom, so I'm moving on.

I have amazing things on the agenda. Challenges to face at every turn, but everytime one more thing gets done I am reminded that dynamism keeps life fresh. It's so easy to get stuck on the hamster wheel, in a routine world where you become so attached to the familiar that you miss out on life. I will bike soon. Really want to. I really want to run around and fall into the grass smiling up at the sun. But you know something, I really don't like that the seasons are changing super fast. Those of you who follow the weather patterns know what I'm saying. And this transition of seasons is not normal, not for you and me or the animals that have a "mating season" that are trying to reproduce in this odd month that goes against their internal hardwiring. People this is just the beginning of a wave of environmental changes. I just am going to pray a lot. Nothing to do but pray and keep living simply.

Additionally, I am going away this summer. I want to hike the Appalachia. I want to dance on a warm beach. I want to hold a sea turtle in my hands. I want to speak another language with fluency. I want to pray more and grow closer to Jah. I want to dance to a new rhythm. And I will do these things because somehow (through Jah's blessings and free will) I keep doing them. But God I can't wait until the day I can do them with friends again.

For now just stick to your goals. Stick to the list, a good friend of mines says.
If it's not on the list don't worry about it. I'm not worried. I am longing to see you. I can't wait til the day everything is flowing in full again. I love you anyway, even though I can't share all of everything with you. I am longing to be your spiritual support. To inspire you to keep striving, because face it, there is much to be done. You can sit still and watch the world zoom away, or you can ride the wave, and make your mark in your own way.

One way or another, we are in this thing together.

Nothing to do with me loving you.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B462-3AhYYk&feature=fvwrel

This unfortunately does not embed, but it is the best sound of J.M. that I have ever had the privilege to listen to. Turns your ears on, and rocks your soul. Too bad. No concerts coming soon. He's not the same anyway.

I don't know you.

I laughed tonight. I learned a ton. I watched my age creep in. I watched us grow distant. I watched my solidarity grow with each inhaling breath. Inside I see myself somewhere else. Inside I wonder if I'm screaming sometimes, but I'm not angry or scared. Maybe not screaming, just seeing how aware of transformation I am. On the surface to you I may look the same. I guess it's because you aren't inside of my body feeling my entire internal hard-wiring reform. I want to be more loving because I love even those I am not close to. And I know it's not unclear. Naivete fades. Truth sets in. I strive towards a better connection with Jah. Jah, you are it. The keeper of my dreams, my life bearer, my father. You keep my head connected to my body, and my heart aligned with truth.

Think back to the days where I blended our lives, struggling to hold on to life without all its complexities. When we stand in front of one another, do we cherish the moment, or do we watch each other from our own private realms?

You see right through nothing. And I see right through this empty feeling. Trying to fill a void that grows with each exhale.You are not mines to hold. I am done crying.

Zambezi River is one of the largest in the world.

And I plan to see it someday.

Hustlin', Hustlin', Hustlin'

Errday I'm...
HUSTLIN'! (X3)

So much goes on each and every week
I am just surprised that I find time to sleep.
It's such a blessing to be able to hold it together.
I just pray to Jah that things only get better.
It's a crazy world, that's so easy to get lost in.
Please Jah help me strive in the right direction.

I have goals and agendas. I am a traveler that knows no bounds.
But I choose to have discipline, because I know the path I choose requires order and simplicity.
I accept the task wholeheartedly, and I type only to remind myself:

I have a purpose, powerful and refined.
I have an agenda to which I am inclined.
I only ask that it be in harmony with my spiritual pursuits.
Sometimes that's hard to think about when things hang so loose.
I am determined to remain patient, fair, focused, loving, wise, and forgiving.
Maybe someday again I will get to share my intimate thoughts with someone.

Thank Jah for a good friend when I am distressed. I know I don't cry alone, or laugh alone, and I don't live alone.

There is a great peace within because there is so much more to self than what the world portrays. My account is not artsy; it is not without necessity.
I claim strength and sanity.
I ask only to let go and forgive.
I ask only for compassion.
And that's just it.

Shop 'Til You Drop

http://consciousvideodirectory.webs.com/apps/videos/videos/show/11796599-shop-til-you-drop-the-crisis-of-consumerism

http://www.videowebtown.com/community/newlightplayer/flvplayer.swf?file=http://www.videowebtown.com/wreckless13/video/27621/FLV/103893.flv&autostart=true&fs=true

-bigger link, suckier pixels. but bigger.

One of the most interesting documentaries I have seen to date exists here. YIPPEE!!!!!!!!!
Feel free to share in the info if you get a chance.

In the absence of time I recall what matters.

In my mind's eye I have so much to do. So many different directions to take. This path is brand new and it's all my own. I remember all of the different faces I chose. I now know what path I need to choose. But will I follow it? I feel the changes in me being brought to the surface. This new woman I am beginning to see does not look like she used to. She's different so much inside that she has to ask herself questions about her attitude impacting her altitude. She has to wonder about what classes to take, and what moves to make. Life is a game that must be played. Fast or slow, it will end. Will she accomplish her quest? Will her dreams be actualized? What cards will she play? What cards will she never play? What will she be left with at the end? No this is not tarot or divination in question. This is the way I realize where I stand. What keys I hold in hand. Which paths I walk. The people I meet. The troubles I defeat. I know there are the ones that will stick, and the ones that will be but a moment in passing.

Forgive me Jah, I make many mistakes. I hope not to be a disgrace, but a woman of profound action. I live to serve. I live to lead. I live to give my all or I may as well die now to be quite frank. Life is a game that must be played. Whether you are the die, the pawn, or the rook. Take your stand, stand firm, and strong, or prepare to be knocked down. Prepare for the disappointments of life. Courage is needed. Leave fear behind with your high school crush.
No time to waste now. The world is moving faster somehow. And still slow and steady is not a mistake.
Love life even when it hurts. Pray even when it hurts. Laugh even when it hurts. Cry even when you smile. Think before you act. Remember before you forget. Grab hold, before this moment passes you by. Live well, inhale deep, hug passionately. Forget about your sadness. You really don't have much time. Tick. Tick. Tick. Tick. Tick. Tick. Tick. ------------------------.

********************************
P.S. How cute is this man in this video???? Indian food here I come. :)

In Truth out Flows the Truth.

Spinach latkes on my brain.
Can you just stop being a ho? Can you please not tell me how much you loved that porno? Can I just hang out with somebody without talking about a birthday party and drama? Please. Lord. Yeah I get a little cynical at times. That's why I type. For clarity. Not for judgment. You still don't know what's going on in my brain. Esp. if you don't ask. Haha.
I appreciate you. I love what we have experienced together. I just want you to know there are certain things I refuse to do now. And that isn't your prob. It's mine. But if you want to converse with me, I expect you to understand and respect my morals. Don't make me compromise. Don't make me regret our meeting. It should be free, unabashed,and open.
I forgive you. I always do. I hope you only have the heart to forgive me as well.
And as we walk forward, know we both deserve to live better. Be better women, better men, better friends. I'm over the drama. I'm over the drugs. I'm over the covert overstimulation. It is written on your face. And when you are there, just know I can't bare to join you in your "bliss".
I respect you. It's almost like an invisible glass between you and I. And I don't hate you. I just feel the coldness of the glass when I try to get too close. You are in the world. And I am not. So forgive me for seeming a little...distant...I am protecting myself from a darkness that I once knew. You know how dark I was. Darker than the black lipstick and clothing. In the pit of my sorrows, serenading myself to some blasphemous chant. Doing things just to say I did it at least once. I did it. I did a lot of things. I'm not you. I don't teeter off the edge. I dive in to whatever I do. If I'm good, that's what I am. If I'm bad, I'm bad. But guess what? I am good, and I am not pretending. I just don't want to pretend I feel that way anymore. I wish you didn't want to pretend either. Or maybe you still think it's real.

In truth

"I know this love is going to hurt someday."

When was the last time you remember really feeling like you had time for real affection?
Well I don't know. Now I find I have to be more sensitive of the company I keep. No I don't want to be in a compromising situation. I'm sick of laughing at things that repulse me. But what else can you do? I don't care about that now.
Just have to keep progressing forward.
Who knew the path I was on was so different? Solo-esque. You move in your own circles. I'm linear. Forward I flow. Sometimes I get a chance to hold on for a while, but I know that then I'm stagnant, and in part lying to myself. And I can't bring you along for the ride.
Do you remember the last time you fell in love?
I don't care about that now. It's bizarre. If you saw me on the street would you catch a glimpse and keep going? Sometimes it's better to let go than to hold onto things that will hurt more than they could ever help.
School's blowing back in. Won't have time to miss you. You don't have any idea how that feels to me. You wouldn't ask. You never have.
Now it's my time to walk in my own way. I have to stay above water. Solo-esque. Dancing. Fluttering. Filling. Drumming. Humming. On my own.

Why Don't You Write Anymore?

The juggling of time. The moments whisking by. The red light blends to green. Time changes the scene. I'm off to see a new place, some new face. I hope not to forget the old. Time changes everything. I try to understand the value of keeping friends dear and near. It's easy to let life wash away without keeping one thing crystal clear.
Eventually we get tired of running. We all want something to hold onto, even if its intangible. To tell someone you love them, to learn about them. Their pet peeves, their secrets--it is a gift. A gift that is so invaluable to me.
When you and I share a secret story a link that bonds us in the most natural sense makes our meeting all the sweeter. When I hug you, when I laugh with you, when I watch you go through the motions that symbolize your person, I beam. You radiate the joy that God gave you.
Memory is all the sweeter when we recognize each moment we exist is not promised, or accidental, or a coincidence.
Jah gave you life, a pulse, two hands to explore (experience tangibility), two eyes that smile and absorb the world in the most unique sense, two two legs attached to feet to climb--to explore the world abounding with things to learn. I never want to give that up. And I never want to give you up. You are forever burned into my memory. I love that we met. Please just don't ever forget.

Le Jour de l'An

It's funny how at the start of Jan 1 I'm back to John Mayer again. I'm playing "Split Screen Sadness" as a following from "Clarity". Two tracks that I love. I have to be up at 6:30 AM to take a shower and go to my assembly. I spent my night cooking, folding clothes, and well...enjoying my living space. Couldn't really have asked for more. But it would've been nice to have drank the sparkling apple cider in the fridge...
After these past few busy days, I wasn't much in the mood. So instead I prepared new dishes. One the millet autumn recipe I posted a while back (finally), and super legit vegan collard greens, and my lunch for tomorrow, and my breakfast. Took me a couple hours between prep and folding and all.
Note to self: If I ever marry it must be to a chef and ahandyman. That's hot. Teach me the tricks of the trade please. I cannot fix dismantled household items very well. :( Should go to handypeople school. Anyways I'm ranting.
Orange oil is in my burner and John Mayer is still playing. His beautiful voice and acoustic guitar still make me swoon. I think I always will.
Well, enjoy your night. :) Thought for the "new year": Time is manmade. It is not truly as we experience it. It is infinite, and translucent. It slips through our fingers like the air we breathe. Yet, it continually exists, with or without us.