So I watched that movie tonight. I saw a small portion of it in Anthropology earlier this year. Profound and empowering.
I called out to you with no answer. You have turned your face from me. I cannot judge you, because that is not my job. But I know I cannot count on you for much either. Reality is sometimes unsettling, but it's better to always have one eye open then to walk blindly into a dangerous situation. I trust Jah and no man to supply my needs. There is a great joy close enough to touch with my fingertips. I have no tears this time. Only the sense of knowing what I must do to remain sane, happy, and aware. Happy are those conscious of their spiritual need. Happy are those conscious of their need to live in peace and order.
I am not disappointed in us, just cognizant of what we are. Knowing is a beautiful thing.
So today I learned a valuable lesson. yes, I know this sounds cute. I know it's not quite blogger appropriate either. However, I feel crummy, and I prayed to be forgiven and I need to talk. I guess to myself since I can't bring myself to call anyone right now.
I saw the red moon at 3:00 AM. I just finished retwisting my dreads. I worked out last night. My body felt great. I felt strong, powerful, and well prepared. After finishing my locs, I had a cool sip of water and lay down in front of the space heater, hoping to wake at 6:00 AM with dry locs. Yes 6:00 AM. 6:10 to be exact. But guess what happened instead?
I awoke by natural sunlight. My head swam as I glanced over to my amber yellow/orange curtain to realize: The sun is already up. HOLY .... I scooted my butt off the bed dashing over to the computer to confirm. Yes, this had never happened to me before. I woke up late for my first day at my new job. Haha. I think it is a great lesson to me. Get a new frikkin real alarm clock, no matter how ugly it is, as long as it works. I wanted to scream as I called my employer and plead for forgiveness. Why was this happening?
Well part of me is glad it is day one and not day 2. *deep sigh* I wanted someone to understand me. To hug me. To say, baby, it's gonna be okay. You'll get them next time like you always do. More than anything, I need to. Someone has to do it, and I have to commit myself to completing things.
Aren't you glad I learn fast? Well I already got a new real alarm clock to replace my cellphone in case it didn't go off ages ago. But I got it more out of cuteness than necessity. Talk about a way to learn. My chest is a little tight from worry. I have to let this go. Breathe. Stretch. Release. Forgive myself. I can't do that while typing either.
The fiery glow flickers along my wall. The piano melodies ring through my boudoir. I breathe in so deep the lavender essential oil in my burner, letting go of any anxieties. Everything is okay. I feel at peace. Ducks in a row so to speak. I have time to accomplish goals. I have time to help myself and you. I have time to pray, meditate, cook a full blown dinner, study, clean, field service, sing, shower, shop, play, think, stretch. relax, unwind, and let go.
Isn't it nice to live in the real world of my thoughts for a change? What is life worth if not spent enjoying just breathing? Enjoying just being? Of course there is much to be done all break, it is nice to have those breaks in between.
Poetic words do not proceed forth from my fingers. I attempt to force this artform out. Constipation. All I want to do is paint. Everytime I think of art, I know I can draw, but my God I want to paint. I want to pull on my plaid shirt and white sheet over my bedroom floor and go silly on a canvas of my own design. It could be any surface, Just let me save enough money to buy paint all willie nillie and it will be in my house. I know for now I can paint small things. I guess I just don't want to run out, but then again when I run out I always find a way to get more of everything else.
I wish I had an insightful discussion for you guys. But guess what? I don't. The things I think about now I do not deem blogger appropriate. So I'd rather talk to you is what I'm saying.
I feel like I have so much share, but through action and not verbiage now.
:) Goals: Field svc all break, at leat 3 times a week Pay for grad fee at BCCC. fees are lame. Prep for trip to NY Prep for meetings ahead of time Keep my space clean and tidy. O yeah getting darn good at it too Clean and non-profit jobs happening concurrently Loving my body even more and helping others more Calculating my costs and savings There's something else... doo doo doo... Guess I shouldn't be sharing that either. :)
"... All I have is a voice To undo the folded lie, The romantic lie in the brain Of the sensual man-in-the-street And the lie of Authority Whose buildings grope the sky: There is no such thing as the State And no one exists alone; Hunger allows no choice To the citizen or the police; We must love one another or die. ..."
Thank the Lord Myspace still has music. Cause nowhere else does. I needed my cottonbelly mix to Fastlane asap.
So this year is proving to be one of the most transformative in my life to date. I have yet to expire; I guess I'd better make the most of this. And on the rise is my spirituality, my career. It's all very individual. I have to engage to remember that I am alive. I can't knock on the screen of my computer and whoever I want will pop out. I have to go get whatever I want. And sometimes social life as of late is proving to be more challenging.
People get older. People get stubborn. People get pregnant. People die. I just pray a lot, and occasionally have self pep talks. Lol. I know you might think that is weird, but I pray my audience consists mainly of people that understand me. If you do, you understand that is normal. Only child syndrome. If I waited to tell someone I would die first.
Anyway, sometimes when I watch the way they interact I just think she is trying to hard. I wish women could all just each have their own man so I wouldn't have to feel like they think I'm trying to steal them. *yawns* I just like guy conversation sometimes. Calm down. Nobody was asking for a relationship.
Well, I'm only 20 now. Lol. We will see where the road takes me and you. Yes you.
My eyes are constantly changing. I found a unique website that makes tons of sense. I am about to sit down and read over economics again. But before I do, I wanted to save this website: http://www.agingeye.net/visionbasics/visionmyths.php
Random beautiful woman who helps me rethink my hair process. I am thinking.
S.i.n.g.l.e. is my silent motto. I remember when I first started that mantra: "Single". "Single and not looking." But since when did that turn to single and happy and liberated? Well, I think fairly recently.
It all started in that first moment when I read the story about the woman whose husband died in the train accident. She locked herself in a room and slowly began to acknowledge her new found self. This was poignant and refreshing to me somehow. She didn't have anyone to answer to. No one to tell her what food she had to like, or where she was going--she could be herself, without anyone's help. "Free," she whispered at first, and then louder and louder. She she stood up slowly looking out the window at the beginning of spring. Spring was her metaphorical new found self. A part that had yet to be explored. She was shaking with elation.
This feeling during this time of the end is the single most focused thought I have ever had the privilege to experience. The silent knowing. The devotion I can give to my relationship with Jah. The tip toeing of my feet into my bed with no one in it to cater to. The kisses I bestow on myself. The love I feel anyway. The friends I find time to meet. The places I find time to go, at liberty to do them without leaving him out of the picture.
This is subject to change for I am still young. But I relish in it. My body shakes with elation, inside that is. It is nice to feel...peace. Who can know the freedom of letting go.
Of course no man-woman relationship in my life is replaced by something else. Voids are terrible really. You are itching to fill them. But when you have found you replacement, you know you are sustained.
In a world where so much of your time is spent doing so many things, when you get a break, do you really always want to spend it with your significant other? I don't. Lol. I want to breathe and do what I want, at my own pace. Really. I love you, I love you all. But as a friend, I need to chill and not feel like I'm married to you either.
Is this the story of my life? Of my joys? Will I never get that close again? I think this is a realistic question. One that you cannot answer for me, nor would I want any man to. It is my journey alone, excuse me, only with Jah is this possible. He has liberated me and I answer to him. And I genuinely want to commit to this single course for a while.
I remember getting older and watching all of my favorite women in fascination. These women found themselves and knew themselves by themselves. Even the book, Their Eyes Were Watching God moved me because Janie found solace and was able to walk alone confidently after she lost her husband. Not all miserable, but dignified. She picked herself up after Teacake passed on and did her thing, and still looked bangin. I love it. She had hopes and aspirations to live. This is what she wanted most. These women I knew all tried love, and accepted their losses. They were all very beautiful in their own way. And yet, as we get older, some of us get lonely. Well, this is something understandable. This is something that is practically impossible, if you find comfort in the things I do.
But my dear friends, that is a private matter. One which I'd rather have a more intimate audience. Sometimes you just have to let things go. Release them. This singularity needed to be released like the stereotypical phrase like bird from its cage. Whether the bird will come back, who knows?
Sidenote- I love men, but the relationship realm does not entertain my thoughts. I bid you adieu les hommes. At least for this part of my life, at least until whenever. At 30 I want to be strapped to a bed my my ovaries start dropping. I pray to Jah about that all the time, and I'm sure I will then too. Or at least, I'm trying to, far more often.
I sit in wait. Maybe I never really knew you. When you thought you were getting to know me. Maybe all the hours spent in your red convertible gliding along 95 were meaningless.
Although I know this not true; but this is how I feel. My heart does not hurt. I do not lie in want any longer.
I wake to a brighter morning, I find more peace in sunlight than I ever used to be able to. I pray for us both.
Though I miss knowing you, and what you are doing, or why you are doing it, I know that it is simply my love for you that will never die.
And what I remember most are the cozy nights at bedtime, and that how we would stare at each other into those long summer nights.
And that is why I can rest peacefully. I hope you are safe, wherever you are.
Since the beginning of Anthropology class my professor has been experimenting on us. I know it. Slowly but surely peeling the layers of our cozy over-consuming, greedy, self serving, spoiled ignorant minds to reach the inner layers of skin--like the part if exposed to the air will immediately start to burn at the thought of...consumption.
Yes, I now know we are all slaves to consumption. As we sit in our five star restaurants, as we stand in the checkout lines of retail and department stores, as we pump our gas, as we think about the next item we want, as we grab the plastic water bottle, as we pull on our new shirt...we are all slaves to something.
It is with great pleasure that I announce my apathetic attitude towards purchasing new clothes. I like clothes, really, I do. But mass production and the whole hoopdy doo surrounding every store I imagine stepping a foot into somewhat repulses me like garlic to a vampire. I look like you. I speak the same language as you. I blend in. But I feel like an animal inside, itching to walk around in my skin. Yes, my skin. Not A&E, not Victoria's Secret, not anything but mine. And if I do buy from someone, I'd rather it not be a sweat shop, or overly attention grabbing. Hemp shirts and recycled rubber soled shoes make my heart swoon. Or is it the sound of local veggies sizzling in my cast iron skillet?
All the while I realize without my love of Jah all of these things would quickly cease to be acknowledged. You are but a means to an end clothes, you keep me warm, you are somewhat of a reflection of self, and yet I had no part in making you. And that my dear friends makes me sad.
------Yet another Into The Wild like film: 127 Hours http://trailers.apple.com/trailers/fox_searchlight/127hours/
* 2 cups all-purpose flour * 2 ½ teaspoons baking powder * 1 ½ teaspoon baking soda * 2 teaspoons sugar * 1 teaspoon salt * 1 teaspoon cinnamon and a little more for garnish* * ½ teaspoon nutmeg and a little more for garnish* * 1 ½ cups buttermilk * 1 cup nonfat milk * 2 large eggs * 4 tablespoons canola oil * 1 15 ounce can pumpkin pie filling * or * 2 cups fresh roasted pumpkin puree** * a little butter or nonstick cooking spray, for preparing the griddle
I screwed up a bit and used dried cranberries. If you are referencing the photo, you'll notice the shrivel factor. Still good. You can make this vegan, vegetarian, I used a bit of cream* - but you can use just stock or water. The real trick is getting the millet to cook all the way though, so don't over toast it, and keep adding liquids if you need to.
1/4 cup extra virgin olive oil, plus oil for the dish 3/4 cup millet 1 medium butternut or other winter squash or 1 small pumpkin, peeled seeded and cut into 1-inch cubes 1 cup fresh cranberries Salt and freshly ground pepper 1 tablespoon minced sage leaves or 1 teaspoon dried 2 tablespoons maple syrup or honey 1 cup vegetable stock or water, warmed* 1/4 cup pumpkin seeds or coarsely chopped hazelnuts
You can run. You can cry. You can kick. You can scream. You can put yourself in an insane asylum and lock yourself up and throw away the key. Hey, go ahead, eat the key. But what will any of these things ever do for your soul? Maybe momentarily release you from your inner demons, but will this cure you of your ills? Probably NOT. Probably no no no, I'm sorry, definitely not, unless you enjoy being sedated and withdrawn. Most of us last time I checked really, really want to live.
It's funny how this week has come and gone, just like all of the rest. Each of us must find our true worth in this world or we will shrivel into shells of our former aspirations and fantasies. Use your talents or lose your talents. That is the rule of life. If you take it for granted, as it begins to deteriorate we will recognize just how good we had it. Take the example a man with seeds and an empty field. If the man plants all his seeds and cares for them he could out with some really tasty awesome fruits, veggies, and trees. Or, this man could only plant some and produce half of what he would if he planted it all. Or, this man could produce, nothing. He who puts forth nothing, gets nothing in return. The more effort you plant, the more likely you are to harvest great results.
I don't ever want to lose my talents, do you?
Don't forget that little kid that used to say what s/he wanted to be when s/he grew up. You're grown, almost. You're getting too big to call yourself a dependent on someone's taxes. It's time to face Uncle Sam, your parents, and the financial deficiencies of inadequate income. Pay check to pay check, loan by loan, scholarship by scholarship, dollar by hour, and so forth.
It is increasingly difficult in a society of many evils--diversions--sublevels of reality. We can find ourselves in predicaments we never quite dreamed of wishing we thought more and acted less. Pure state of nature action (action with minimal thought)= lust, greed, sloth, jealously/covetousness, rage, etc. Or we can know these things can come from becoming a bitter fullgrown brat.
I don't even have all the time in the world to explain these concepts.
But fruit for thought yeah? If we pretend we are alright with where we are, we are lying to ourselves. If our happiness is fully dependent on those things I listed above, we can never truly attain happiness.
True joy lies in the ability to create, to protect, to love,to give of yourself to (an)other, freely, without guilt or regret. It is freeing of one's soul. How do you free the soul?
Well, that is a process, and another essay entirely.
If only or society was not birthed out of corruption, it would be so much easier...*heavy sigh*
My body was shaking. I have a paper to write. Tonight I had to say it to him, and I saved it to post, because I couldn't believe I wrote that. I know that many people don't care what happens to this world, or how anything is run. I'm not one to consider myself super religious, just very informed. I'm not one that runs around screaming, "God is beautiful," at the top of my lungs. I'm just the one that wants to know something about this great spirit that exists and why things are the way they are at present. It's interesting, the reasons people concoct and find to believe in what they believe. You cannot fault them. You can only hope that someday they open their eyes and seek a deeper understanding, rather than their own opinions. The mainstream media does not want religion to exist, and if it does exist, they want it to be hypocritical. They want it to cause wars. And this is all people see today. This is very unfortunate.
This is what we live for. Sustain. Maintain. Change the game. I love the United Kingdom. They ain't scurred to get a lil hood. Mmmhmm. It's expensive though. O Lord, I wish Yeo valley was here.
On the tip of the tongue thoughts are melded; Into out realm of existence they step. Into the endless chambers of the echoing universe they chime. <(((Sound wave)))((( to whisper)))((( to ripple)))((( to brain wave)))((( to speech)))((( to action))) (((to reaction)))>. It's nice to know how you feel, but don't you think you should be more careful about what passes through your lips? In this counterculture of the individual mind, so many are lonely. So many are afraid. So many are too proud to say, your words hurt me. So many lock themselves in a cubbyhole. So many don't know where to start, and where to finish. When they purse their lips, lubricated, prepared to utter the unthinkable, the unmentionable, the hurtful, they don't realize the boomerang effect they have undoubtedly unlocked. It is the silencing of ourselves to think before we react that emulates strength, character, and most importantly, love.
Thank Jah for the wisdom that exists here. Enjoy the sunlight today. We never know when our time will come to pass.
WHAT'S UP with the pictures on blogger today? broken?
COMPLIMENTS OF Daily Digress:
Oolong Tea Marinade for Fish
Mix in a small sauce pan:
2 cups Oolong Tea (Brew it right in the sauce pan. Use two tea bags and remove them before you add the rest of the ingredients.)
2/3 cup reduced sodium Tamari Soy Sauce.
1/2 cup light brown sugar. You can use less, but the marinade won't stick as well. You can use more and it'll stick better, but be less healthy. It's a tough call. Sugar isn't healthy anyway, so you might as well rock out, just this once. Maybe use more if it's a dinner party, less if you're just hanging with the family.
A small spoonful each of minced garlic and fresh ginger.
Bring the mixture to a boil, lower the heat and let it simmer for a few minutes. You want to make sure the sugar is dissolved and let it reduce a little bit to make the flavor stronger. Take it off the heat entirely and let it cool. When it's cool, strain the ginger and garlic out. Cheese cloth works well for straining.
Use just enough marinade for your fish (we had Salmon the other night and it was great, but any fish will do!) To reduce the amount of marinade you need, use a zip-loc bag. If you squeeze the air out before sealing, you'll only need a small amount of marinade to surround the fish. If you marinate in a bowl, you have to use a lot to cover the fish.
Freeze the leftover marinade to use another day. You could even double (or triple! or quadruple! or hex...never mind) the recipe and freeze the leftover in smaller portions.
Let the fish marinate all day. I broiled the salmon for about ten minutes, which was good, because we like it on the rare side. As a side, I wilted some fresh spinach in the marinade that I poured off the cooked fish. The whole family gave it a thumbs up.
Each of us little birds has to fly from the nest some day. We are all born, wobbly legged, blurry eyed, confused, and helpless. But guess what? We don't stay that way. I see clearer than I've ever seen. Little bird, you have to cultivate better sight and stronger legs. It comes with practice (trust me), it comes with patience, it comes with perseverance. Little bird, you're getting too big for this nest. Face your fears. Hug yourself close. Fly, fly as high as your wings can take you. Seek the sky, touching the clouds. Don't look down just yet. Think about making it. Manifest your dreams. There's nothing behind you but a nest that you can no longer fit. You can be whomever now little bird, eagle, ostrich, dove, chicken, your choice. But you know the gift you can harvest inside. You are ripe. You can bear good fruits. And somewhere in those cloudy skies there is a sun, and that's where you'll find your best self. And hopefully you'll find me too, flying just like you.
I remember the day he peered into my soul, I didn't think it mattered, we were young and often out of control. I led him into my favorite hiding places and shared all of my favorite memories. He came up for air, but still sought more and more until one day it seemed the bottomless soul didn't exist anymore. He claimed to know all of my fears and all of my idiosyncrasies, but the truth was he was just beginning to peel away the layers that I so long hid beneath. As time raced forward, our love for each other was apparent---but he was never meant to be mines, nor I his. This realization dug a deep hole into both our hearts. This emptiness kept us linked in very subtle ways, like the way his cheshire smile grew on me, or my primitive cooking methods. We reminded each other of our reflections, until one day I grew to need more, from him and from myself. As we found ourselves we realized that our relationship needed change (growth) and that small hole suddenly forged a rut between our hearts. Now his kisses felt like a chore. Now my visits felt like routine. Now that we realized that we weren't quite living in the same world, we let go of each other's hand, and hoped to find someone else's. But we soon found out that sometimes it's best to just enjoy the God given journey of life on our own, no matter if it is or isn't spent with someone clinging to your hip, you still are not alone.
The slippery silk intertwines around her legs, she slides out of focus, just south of the limelight. Finding a pinch of hope caught between dust and dreams, There is a moment of deep nostalgia. Why does it feel like it's happening right now to me? This isn't the first time I just realized you wanted to see me again. I like the safety of dreaming, Not so much being the center of your attention. Forget it. Forget this. Forget that we could be...anything. For now. I'm running down a hall of tests and temptations, may as well be standing still. I feel like none of it matters. But as usual, you make me smile, at least inside. There is a quiet agreement. We both know. We both want. We both see beyond these boundaries.
I still have nothing to share with the people here, and I guess that's okay. It may not be my time to.
I will never get tired of saxophones, and string instruments, and women whose voices sound arid and artsy. I prefer listening to music that is not degrading and pointless. Only uplifting, no profanity. I will travel the many seas, with you in my heart. We can clasp hands, and play in the surf when I get back home. I'll think of your smile, and your peaceful words. When you go to sleep, imagine me there saying goodnight and tucking you in. I'll be here in the morning when you wake.
http://29.media.tumblr.com/HqaiGeBjOpx0tzxjuRzaybDeo1_500.jpg --optimizing loc idea
This link was posted on facebook by one of my old colleagues/friends. It is slightly beneficial and interesting in the sense of why the phrase, "spiritual, but not religious," exists. My immediate main qualms with that statement are, it's a cop out phrase, in-distinctive, and honestly sends your spirituality into a toss up. Imagine if your physical life was just a toss up. Most of us want money right? So we can eat, clothe, and entertain ourselves, right? So in life we strategically seek to work at places that make us happy and provide us with that tangible sustenance. Some of us want more than others, so some of us work harder. Spiritually, we become lost if we do not seek an intentional direction (wealth of spiritual knowledge). Imagine how little we store "spiritually" if we do not seek this intangible form of food and clothing. Spiritually, many of us starve, and seek a less organized or unfamiliar religious perspective in life. The question is, are you doing yourself a favor, or harming yourself by ignoring/confusing your spirit? You need spiritual sustenance, and if you don't get it, you will attempt to fill the void with materialistic things. People, sex, items, activities, and at the end of it all, you will feel this hole. It may become less and less evident to you, until your life takes a turn for the worse, that is, if you ever notice this turn. Part of that turn is, one day, we will all die. It is the price of sin. (Rom 6:23--"23 For the wages sin pays is death, but the gift God gives is everlasting life..." )The real question is, do you care about a better life than the one we live in? Do you think it is possible to have a better life? One even more amazing than the rich and famous? Do you care about how spiritually connected we all are, and could potentially be, if we weren't all so distant, hiding from our truths, and confused? Do you see the false religions, and does that make you feel like religion is a waste of time? If your answer is yes (which in many cases I imagine it is) I suggest you fervently, adamantly pray for clarity. Earnestly seeking truth ( and God), instead of blindly running through life, hoping to find the real life. The life your heart runs to, but constantly can't seem to catch. You want peace, and unfortunately, only an organized search for truth (perhaps a more religious one), will answer your urgent internal question. If that doesn't make sense, what I found was, search for God, and what He wants, not religion. The right religious practice will find you.
But I still sneak on somehow, at the very least to take skips down memory lane. So it looks like I'm going to have to buy Esthero's music. This chick is so crafty I can't find anywhere to download her stuff, and she has quite a lengthy portfolio of real music, an dsoul in her sound. I'm writing a paper for my English class about my most memorable writing experience. The question is, do i have one? I don't think so. It's like asking me what is my favorite color. Variety is the zing, and spice, and what makes life interesting. As you transform, so should your favorites, and for me that happens to be, every stinkin day just about. I mean, I like Esthero, but is she the only artist I listen to? N-O. I would hate her sound if it wasn't so dang refreshing to my ears. :) Off to work. I've been procrastinating...
I don't especially agree with her end quote, or her love of Sufism, but I think she makes some great points, and encourages one to expand and widen out of their norms. This is what keeps up innovative, free, and conscious.
Calming my breathing. Gathering myself. Gathering my motives. Quiet> Listening for guidance.
James 4:8-10, 8 Draw close to God, and he will draw close to YOU. Cleanse YOUR hands, YOU sinners, and purify YOUR hearts, YOU indecisive ones. 9 Give way to misery and mourn and weep. Let YOUR laughter be turned into mourning, and [YOUR] joy into dejection. 10 Humble yourselves in the eyes of Jehovah, and he will exalt YOU
Sometimes, it hurts to admit you are striving after the wind, because it seems like so many can do it so well. But you are way too aware to keep chasing after nothing. I feel so humbled, so aware, and so ready for a change. Smarter thinking, smarter dealings. They deserve more. Jah knows. I have to ask forgiveness this time, I cannot continue to pressure this vein until it bursts, I'd rather slow my steps, and reconfigure my goal.
Sometimes I look for encouraging words in the wrong places, the people I grew accustomed to I couldn't face the reality that they were not my keeper, Jehovah alone has been and will continually be my keeper. I understand that now. I now definitely appreciate the saying, "Happiness exists only when shared." I should strive to create more, as it brings the greatest peace my mind has ever known, and is a gift that I want to share with others. I will push forward to finish this degree in Environmental Studies, but continue to spread the word of Jah. I will travel to where I am needed. I aspire to get into Culinary because I know it is one of the greatest passions of my life. I realize now that I have no ties, but my job is to move like the river. Constantly flowing. I can pervade through almost any substance. I can be contained, but often my emotions spill over. I am fluid, and rushing. My form can change, and is essential. H20 provides life for all. A necessary bond. The lifeblood of the earth. I accept my nurturing path in this world. Some of us are meant to be rocks, some air, some are meant to be fire, and some are meant to be water. Or maybe I am more like fire. I haven't fully attributed an element to my person, but I assure you it will have nothing to do with my zodiac sign. Today I woke up. For the past little while now, I'd been feeling dead, but as a dear friend said to me recently, sometimes we have to hit rock bottom to freak out enough to get us moving again. I have realized now I cannot rely on friends for this support, because I want more than they can be for me. For now, my strength truly does lie in prayer and refuge in my application of new found morals. It's...strange to say most things that at one time I thought were acceptable (profuse drunkeness, swearing, sex, deceit, anger, violence) have fallen off of my to do at all list. I am finding my peace, and I can't wait to share it. I will pray to push in these areas, maybe even make some more videos. :) I need need need a camera. A a new dresser. PLEASE. Can't wait til I attain basic goals. I'm over myself. Lol. I'm over him. I'm over her. I'm over this system. I'm finding peace at last!
P.S. Shayla, I really like this girl's hair progress from perm to natural, you may find it useful as well. http://feliciaunique.blogspot.com/2010/08/90-days-hair-challenge-low-manipulation.html
It looks like she's in a coma. In a lulled hush, a whisper, an invisible vortex has sucked the floor out from beneath her bare feet. She stands on nothing now, location Solitude City. She can't remember who you are and what you were. As all sound fades, as all color fades, as all distinction fades, everything becomes a blur. Everyone becomes a distant voice. Everything goes dark now. Is this the woman you were looking for? She's not available to comment. As a matter of fact I think she's having an out of body experience. Who are you? Where are you? Why are you not happy or sad? Why are you indifferent? Why does nothing matter anymore? Is your life on mute? Are you not alive? Why do you continue to live in the land between this world and the next?
Praying. Blinding light. Close your eyes. Are you dreaming or are you awake? Are you over this? Are you escaping? It all feels like one big game. Wake up. :( Get out.
Sometimes it feels impossible to write what is needed in here. You wake up one day and realize that it is of little benefit to type in this box if it is of benefit to no one. If you don't know me, how can you hope to understand me? This little box can only encompass fragments of my life, which is no way a narrative, but perhaps a collection of thoughts or theories, and goals. My blog is my voice whispering into your ears, hoping as my words hit the screen they come alive in some way.
We get so wrapped up in our own lives, we often lose interest in the lives of those around us. We fall prey to materialism. We drown out our innocence and absorb the invisible toxins that fill the air, spreading famine, warfare, hatred, and hopelessness. Love can only be acquired through true forgiveness, humility, and patience. It is a learned behavior, constantly needing refining. In this world it is easy to become self absorbed, self pitying, self loathing. But hard to gain hold on the real life (La Vita E Bella).
As I challenge everything I once thought I was, as I thrust open the hatch reaching in for my soul back, as I grab onto the truth and hold on tight, it is as if I've entered a vortex of blinding light where everything around me falls away. My fears. My old friendships. My old habits. My old thoughts. My old life. Is all gone through the milky way. Like the blink of an eye, we are all interconnected, secretly knowing one another's aspirations, clinging to one another's warmth. We feel no logic, just raw emotions that rock and sway over us, sucking us out to sea like sand washing away from shore. We become but a grain of sand in this infinite universe, and yet we impact just enough to create a ripple effect. Can you hear the cries of those around us that are impacted by this corruption? Consumerism in America equals 10 cents a day in Ecuador. A brand new iPhone equals slavery operated mines in sub Saharan Africa. Our inexpensive bananas equal slavery and plantations on the coasts of South America. Our greed. Our lust. Our guns. Equal someone else's disease, bloodshed, and poverty. It pays to simplify our needs. It pays to help the poor man sitting next to you on the bus. It pays to do community service. It pays to learn another language. It pays to pray for your fellowman. Forgive. Let go. You are just as guilty as I am. We are imperfect creatures, hanging in the balance, fragile, privileged, and short life spans. We cannot afford to be selfish.
I'm baking a blueberry upside down cake right now. And I'm not a frequent dessert baker, so I'm going back downstairs. This video has been pretty funny to me. The whole concept, the sound, the angles, the artistic perspective. I need to never forget it.
Edits: The cake has been completed wooooo.
And very yummy. If I could do it all over I'd do 3/4 cups of sugar instead of 1 cup. That's about the only difference. I seem to be a good cake baker. Along with cook. Too tired now. But happy. Satisfied. Dreamy.
More details on the inner workings of my mind when it isn't running off of butter sugar blueberries and more butter.
No real entry now. I just feel blessed. I am blessed. I can feel positivity radiate off me like golden rays of sunshine. I love loving you. All of you. Nothing could compare to His love. Life sparkles even when I'm struggling. I can still see the light at the end of each tunnel. Don't give up on me, no not yet. I have something special in store for just the two of us. <3
Fill the earth and subdue it. I want to train myself to do so much. Let's just take it one step at a time. Don't limit yourself. Keep pushing. Keep praying. Keep thinking. You will be more than okay. You will be great. An encourager. A missionary. A pioneer. An interpreter. A friend. A wife. A husband. A father. A mother. A sister. A brother. A shining light out of the dark. It starts with a simple flicker, a single spark. And then creation was born. And then out I fled from the womb. Brilliant. Beaming. Star.
/
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Last Thought of the night:
Sometimes when I talk to you I feel like I was given a broken record, or a toy with only so many recordings. "You can do it!", "You make me sick!" "I love you." "You need to move out if you can't handle it." "All the bible means is these three things..." A---broken---toy. One that if a child was to play with, they would quickly wish to toss aside. We all have our struggles in this life, and sometimes I find myself feeling broken too. I know Jehovah can help me piece things back together. At least for now I can admit my shortcomings, and strive to fix them. The hot searing frustration is turning into calm bewilderment and quiet sighs. You are always forgiven. I forgive you for not being able to be any closer to me. My heart will always soften still. "And it was all yellow."
My Dear Friend, My entries are getting more private now. It's funny, because you may view them regularly. I have things to say, and I will begin saying them now. You hardly respond. Life does not stop because of this. My life is not dedicated to one thing, for I am multi-faceted. The woman of many cloaks and faces, and actions. I allow holy spirit to guide me through all things. Sometimes, I have something specific I want to share with you like now, but this comes out first. My blog is not really for everyone or even most anyone. I'm glad if you choose to continue. And I don't mind. I am not afraid your responses. Life is different for me now. The winds have changed. I'm okay with being more serious, more intimate,and more spiritual. I hope you are ready.
With all my blessings, L.K.
Avant Premier Penser...
These scriptures are about the confusion many people including many of my friends experience. Please read. I hope you learn much from it, because I will not force you to, but of your own accord in your own time. If you do read, please ask me questions about this, but these words will explain a lot, in short. Excerpt from Romans, Chapter 1 Verses 18-28 "18 For God’s wrath is being revealed from heaven against all ungodliness and unrighteousness of men who are suppressing the truth in an unrighteous way, 19 because what may be known about God is manifest among them, for God made it manifest to them. 20 For his invisible [qualities] are clearly seen from the world’s creation onward, because they are perceived by the things made, even his eternal power and Godship, so that they are inexcusable; 21 because, although they knew God, they did not glorify him as God nor did they thank him, but they became empty-headed in their reasonings and their unintelligent heart became darkened. 22 Although asserting they were wise, they became foolish 23 and turned the glory of the incorruptible God into something like the image of corruptible man and of birds and four-footed creatures and creeping things.
24 Therefore God, in keeping with the desires of their hearts, gave them up to uncleanness, that their bodies might be dishonored among them, 25 even those who exchanged the truth of God for the lie and venerated and rendered sacred service to the creation rather than the One who created, who is blessed forever. Amen. 26 That is why God gave them up to disgraceful sexual appetites, for both their females changed the natural use of themselves into one contrary to nature; 27 and likewise even the males left the natural use of the female and became violently inflamed in their lust toward one another, males with males, working what is obscene and receiving in themselves the full recompense, which was due for their error.
28 And just as they did not approve of holding God in accurate knowledge, God gave them up to a disapproved mental state, to do the things not fitting, 29 filled as they were with all unrighteousness, wickedness, covetousness, badness, being full of envy, murder, strife, deceit, malicious disposition, being whisperers, 30 backbiters, haters of God, insolent, haughty, self-assuming, inventors of injurious things, disobedient to parents, 31 without understanding, false to agreements, having no natural affection, merciless. 32 Although these know full well the righteous decree of God, that those practicing such things are deserving of death, they not only keep on doing them but also consent with those practicing them."
Premier (Je Croire)
Alora Dear Jah,
How could anyone want to die? You have given us so much to unearth, so much to protect, so much to love. Life is truly your greatest gift. My soul a blessing. When we hurt our souls, and fill it with meaningless things we are doing a great disservice to you. But I am going to push to continue learning, and encouraging others to understand the joys of life. I hope I am making the right decision. Please guide me Jehovah. I have so much energy. So many words. So much to think about. Sometimes I feel like I want to go in many directions, but I know the kingdom must come first. Please forgive me of my wrongs, and help me to make things right again. I love you more than this utter fascination. I love you more than I sometimes behave.
In Jesus' Name, I pray, Selah.
Deuxieme (Je Reve) I want to go to a Native American reservation. There is so much fascinating history right here, right now. We should never limit ourselves. We should rise above constantly, striving not after the wind, but listening to what our souls really have to say. It speaks to me and says, you need to see this. It would be a great dream actualized to travel to the Pueblo tribes on the west coast, but I will start small and work forwards. Jehovah's willing I can and will go many places. My heart feels it. I am not afraid, only in constant shock of the ability of man and the infinite amount of things we will forever have to learn about.
When a man moves away from nature his heart becomes hard. - Lakota
Tell me and I'll forget. Show me, and I may not remember. Involve me, and I'll understand. - Tribe Unknown
We always return to our first loves. - Tribe Unknown
Tealight candles burn. My fingers pulse. The itch has been released.I have been imagining myself painting, slowly preparing everything in my mind for tonight. I let loose. My canvas is whatever I find that is free and paintable. Really.
In other news, I missed my convention today. Woke at 5:25 AM only to come back home at 6:30. I felt like I'd lied to myself and everyone. I cried for five minutes. Prayer has a way of helping you let things go. Especially when you make an unintentional mistake. The day went on. Life doesn't stop, just because we feel like our heart has. Our heart couldn't have stopped...because if it did we would probably at the very least be unconscious. I am grateful for the peace I experienced today nonetheless. I painted a lot. All over my bedroom window. I vacuumed and broke a old cabinet in my room apart. How spacious my boudoir is. (Next step, strip the carpet. It is coming.) I helped a friend. I made a new friend. I calmed down. Tomorrow, I cannot make the same mistake as today. I have a bus to catch. A new adventure to find. I wish I felt I could share this in full with you, but you wouldn't appreciate it. Life alters now. People change. Places change. Perception changes. I'm growing to like this new layer of skin. Smooth. Comforted. Informed. Relaxed. Are you ready?
Dear Sensitive Soul, Keep on striving. I know what goes on in your mind and I can't fault you for sometimes losing your hold on the things you once thought you knew. As everything jumbles up again like a zillion piece jigsaw I know all you can do is take your time. The more you know, the more you are required to give. Keep learning and gaining strength, your body can handle it. And when you feel like no one is on your side, remember who is, and bless them. Remember the good times, don't focus on the struggle of the present. This too shall pass. Resonating answers to all of your questions--- No need to be so cold, no need to give up on all you have fought for. Keep fighting. Keep watch. Keep loving. Because these things are what will make you peacable in the end. [I love you no matter what you do, where I go, and when we see each other again.] Sincerly, Lystra
She's stretching her arms farther, she's feeling the pressures of adulthood. Cumbersome, but never anxious. She thinks of how much has changed in the past two years. Grade school was...just the beginning. A babe in the universe, mentally, spiritually, she has much to learn. She is cloaked and girded up with truth and holy spirit. She can't understand how the material realm can reign so supremely, or how so many can't even see her now. A transformation takes place and now she feels everything. The pain. The questions. The eyes staring at the back of her head waiting for her to fall. But she graciously trods over the earth, resting as needed, in the fields. This earth was not meant for filth, for destruction, but these days the price to play skyrockets. STDs plus babies. Catalysis Warfare. Pestilence. Starvation. People without natural affection. Pay attention. Soaring high above most's realm of consciousness, she takes her hand and blows a kiss into the wind, thinking of all of her past, and all the trials. Life will not ever turn back around, she can never go back. This way is the way her heart is going. Life everlasting. Loving. Thinking. Pursuing peace.
Tonight my heart hurt. I love her in ways I didn't think I knew how to. I've turned off the cosmic romance button. In my heart silence reigns supreme. With each thump, the knot constricts and releases. I will suppress my feelings until whenever I know I can back them up with nurturing to help them grow freely. I wanted to just listen to your voice all night long. I love a man's smooth voice, and when they are actually doing what they should be, it sounds that much better. When I left you, I knew I was doing the right thing, no matter how many times I want to look back, I can only move forward. Forgive me for being a quick mover. I can't stand still, not even for loved ones. I know when I am being urged to go. Sometimes I miss you beside me. Your smell. I type it all time, knowing you will never respond. There is nothing I could have done differently with you. Inhale. Fall into deep thought. Exhale. Release the pain I've held for so long. Forgive me, I have been self righteous. The more humility, the calmer I am. I have no regrets. I only have questions about this new solitary position. Most of us can't bear to be without someone, even if they are totally wrong for us, we would rather be miserable with them then just wait it out. I just pray all the time. I just move. I just don't wait for you to regain strength. You can't catch me. Weakness is in my flesh (tangibility). Strength is in my spirit (faith).
I am twenty years old; in my own mind I don't have five months to go. A state of being, a karmic revelation. A profundity unearthed due to the force at which this water rushes towards me. I am on a river, flowing downstream. On the cycle, the waterfall is crashing just moments away. I can only pretend to be a child if I were going backwards. No backwards now. No pretending. No sugarcoated veil. No boys to latch onto. No allowances. No hopscotch in the park during recess. Anything I do is my own choosing. Jah's gift of free will. As I skip down the road past memory lane I realize the clean slate I have before me. Time to prove your worth. The challenges will come now. Rolling in like waves from the highest tide. I must stay above water. Dive in and face whatever. Kingdom work. College. Relationship choices, this includes friendship. Forgiveness. Savings and Wealth. Visualizations. Love. Communication. It is in your hands. Those of us who fail to seek guidance from a higher source, I pray for you. We cannot do this on our own. The success you will see me have will not come from my strength alone. No, I rely on my spiritual protections. My divine relationship with The Almighty. When life is good and bad. I pray for you. You are just so hard headed. I think of you often when I have a quiet moment. The blessings you could receive, if only you knew how to be humble! :) I pray for you.
sleeping soundly, dreaming of the ways to reach out. she's battling to build her stance. she sees chaos in the future for man as they run after each other into the abyss of emptiness. they find no peace there. no revelations. no joys, but paralysis. she tries to throw them a life vest as the masses hurl and gnaw and destroy one other, seeking fresh air, a way out---but they won't turn around. it's not too late she whispers. if you're still breathing you can't let fear and false joys control your life. she has no idea how many of them will hear. she closes her eyes in prayer acknowledging each of their sufferings and shortcomings. she wishes they were more humble, less prideful, less headstrong. teardrops fall from the heavens. soon they turn to fire and hail. destruction is sure to come, and the question is will she reach anyone? does anyone hear? she begins to withdraw as she feels she her words fall on deaf ears. in the blink of an eye, in the millisecond of an hour , in the quiet of the night the abyss will swallow its victims. she will not chase after them for she will not know. they would continue running blindly into the wrong direction. seeking truth. seeing nothing but their lives at stake, why must so many be mislead?
In brief, my eyes are tired so I am typing without glasses. The blurry keys are just memorization these days.
Well, impression of living jumps from just surface superficial to spiritual and the great purpose of living. why are we here? why are you here? what do you hope to gain from it all? how will you spend your time? how are you spending it? are you wasting it? as much as I miss you, I reuse to waste the hours on hookah bars, endless club nights and sexually pervading thoughts. I want to attain my nirvana. In union with Jehovah I can actualize whatever I want. I can extend myself to others. I am not selfish nor concerned about my appearance, although I love taking care of my body, I love taking care of everyone. The first step to aiding others is knowing how to aid yourself. That's why we are so lost as a people today I remember I used to fervently pray for wisdom,. I know I'm kind of spacey, but when I think my way through, all the answers become clear with time. Patient. Calm. Relax. Refresh. I love the way we look into each other's eyes are hardly can stand to look away. Pure genuine love. Unabashed. Neverending. I want to hold you at least for the second. This second will last me into next year. I love you. You;ll never have to worry. I will continue to be this way...
Alora (So), I miss speaking un autre langue (other languages).
Today was my first official bike trail, and Wednesday will be my second. 15 miles+. I don't know how ready I was, but I made it through, mini hills and all. There's something crazy that happens when I seek refuge in prayer and loving kindness in action. All unfolds well. Advice of the day: Just continue to be steadfast and patient. All of your answers will be revealed, if you only continue to seek. Don't be afraid to pray, or search for what calls your spirit. Don't follow your heart, it can be treacherous and lead you astray. Think before you act. Visualize your needs, and then write them down, then tell other people. It's far more likely to come true. Read about everything you're interested in, and go after it. There's a much higher likelihood you'll get it, and take your time. Rome wasn't built in a day, and it didn't fall in one either. Meditate on beneficial words. You'll gain more understanding.
Film Critique of Summer:
The Karate Kid--Made me cry. I hate seeing small children get whooped. I mean whooped. I wouldn't take my child to see that (violence, language, mild sexual activity). That lil' boy was gettin' quite grown. For me, however I'm glad I did peep it (to support Will Smith duh), although it was of minimal benefit to my personal development. I like to watch movies I can really learn from. Maybe you'll enjoy it more. ***
1 1/2 pounds fresh ground turkey 1 small dice sweet onion 2 teaspoons chopped fresh oregano leaves 2 teaspoons chopped fresh basil leaves 2 to 3 cloves minced garlic Sea salt Freshly ground black pepper 3 large eggs 1 3/4 cups bread crumbs 1 cup heavy cream 1/2 cup olive oil 1 tablespoon butter 1 1/2 cups all-purpose flour, for dusting the meat balls before browning
Part of tonight's dinner. I changing this dish a bit. Not frying the meatballs and no breadcumbs. I think I'll call it naked meat...balls? XD
Quicknote: I really can't wait to be in the truth. I have so much love, and for the first time, I actually understand how to evenly distribute it. For lessons on how to give love, without over doing it, feel free to call L.K. toll free.
In other news, I'm too busy to rant, so...
Buonanotte. Ciao. Sayonara. Sleepytime. Dinner for me. :)
I sit in my quaint bedroom, fuzzy locks sprawled all over my head, Felix in front of me staring out at this golden afternoon, licking himself, I look back at the past. Not for answers. Just understanding. How do we get so caught up as individuals in the little things? You know how many of us fail to see the bigger picture beyond just what benefits us? For some it's hard to think that we are inadequate and that we must constantly seek improvement, and for others, we strive after the wind, for things we just can't touch. Today, balance is difficult in a world with limitation and structure, without silicone and technology. Quiet and reading and fresh air is a rare appreciation, and religious discovery is just north of a flicker; on average. Au contraire, I find great pleasure in spiritual understanding, and often distance myself from material matters. I don't want to move in circles, and I know my presence is greater than the clothes I wear, how great I can do a math problem, how illustrious my piano playing is, how mind blowing my sex is, and how many people I can please. Is it unfathomable to consider that the things we can't hold in our hand could be of any real value these days? How about the love you feel for someone close to you? A lover, a mother/father to his/her child, an animal friend. How about the true happiness we experience when we accomplish something truly important? Our first independent adventure from our parents. Making your own meal. Teaching someone a new word or dance move or anything they don't know. The list goes on. I know we all have our own struggles and stories, but ultimately, we must understand that we are more than the tangible realm of life. Our emotions and needs rise much higher than what the material can bring. The more you seek self understanding, the better off you will be.
If I died today, I would not have regrets, only things I wish I would have gotten a chance to do. If I could do it all over, I would have taken more time to admire Jehovah's creation. If I can protect my health mentally, physically, and spiritually, I know I must do so. Life is a precious gift, breathed into us that many of us throw away and abuse, but really it must be cherished, tested, and done in such a way that we can look back and say, "I did that, and I'm happy I did." Moments like now make me reflect, not in a morbid way, but just enough to remind you as well. We are sensitive souls, meant to live forever but restrained to just as long as fate holds out. We hang on a string that thins by the second, and unravels by the hour.
You seem to have a soft shell my friend. I just cracked you right open, three words, and you melted into my heart. Unfortunately, you have given up hope on yourself in many ways, ways in which I fought so hard to hold on to you, but then I remember, I'm not you. Only your friend. I don't think you really want to be mines anymore. It's a cyclical prospect that tells our story. When I met you, you had your crew, and I had mine, now we are as isolated as two islands that have drifted, Pangaea--plate tectonic shift. The noxious fumes have entered into your mist, deteriorating our memories like a plague, an invasive species, I feel wasted, but not bitter. Just feeling my heart hurt is enough. I must continue to tread in the way in which I should walk. You can continue to deviate. I'll pray that you awaken someday. Hope it won't be too late.
P.S. It doesn't matter how pretty you are on the outside if on the inside you are lost and messed up. Don't waste your talent. Clean up, so you can be the person you have always imagined yourself to be. Surely, where you are is not where you want to be.
___
I miss you guys so much, it's funny how we grow up, and how hard it gets to "pencil" one another in. I love you and your face, and your little idiosyncrasies. I'll cradle you in my heart, and as long as you do the same, we will always have a place for each other.
I surely should be in bed. Tonight was pretty special. I am on the brink of a new revelation, and right now I just want to be held close by someone I hold close. A reminiscent smell, taste, or happy feeling. I can pray, and meditate. Sometimes I just want to slow down. Sometimes all I need to do is slow down. Sometimes I don't know how. But I'm pumping the brakes right now...
Don't be afraid of your tears, or joy, or individual perplexities. For you can harness the power within. Bundles and zillions of miles of energy. You glow with new ideas, you brilliant bright star. Even when you are lightyears away, I can still see you shining.
:) Dreamy thought, hanging on a cloud.
A thousands kisses goodnight. Goodnight starlight.
As many blogs are about the absorbedness we each experience in our everyday, somewhat mundane experiences, I can't imagine writing about me, and purely me anymore. I know people care, but as much as there is to read out there, who has the time?
In the crowd of crowds, in cities around the world people seek evolution in one sense or another. What about us? What do we each seek? What do have to be afraid of in bettering ourselves? What are we waiting for? For if we are not striving to accomplish anything at all, don't we feel we have somewhere lost our purpose? Even a child seeks something to attain, usually an older age where they are permitted to do as they please. What happens when they get there? Many of them wish they were children again. Remember when your friend says, "Remember the days when we used to play freeze tag outside until mom called us in the house when the street lights came on? Those were the days..." Or...something to that effect? We don't know what we really want. Many of us were raised without morals and values, and goals that help to mold and shape us all around. We are devastated when we lose our way. But there is no need to fear. Just remember, when your values are in question, define and cover your mental--physical---and the spiritual aspects of self. You owe it to yourself to find out who you are. Where you stand, and what you mean. Life is not just something to spend sleeping through, miserable, complaining, dreaming without real expectation. We have rights as we are given the ability to take action. FREE WILL. You are given five digits on each hand, an agile, mainly well functioning body, and cerebral cortex, now go forth and use it and prosper.
I wish I could say more, but that's as narrow as broad messages go.
I love you. I adorn your forehead and cheeks with soft kisses. I hold your hand in mine and squeeze when I know you are sad. I take that same hand and palm it with mine, comparing lifelines. We are on two different roads, but O how our paths have crossed. I could never stop loving you the way I do, because for the first time I feel real love. Too bad we live in two different worlds. Excommunicate. Seperate thought and linear function. I will imagine you are here in this room with me instead of just inside of our imagination. We only exist in each others memory. Calling your name with no response is the most painful part.
Listening to The Red Hot Chili Peppers at 12:32 AM. I told you I don't have time for this thing. My arms and shoulders are screaming bedtime, but i just want to vent. Is that okay? Seems the rest of my body is alright with it.
As I grow in love and understanding and peace of mind, I realize just how much I love and want to make myself available to people, and I understand at the same time they must be open to assistance. What I see in many of my older friendships and even a fault of mine is stubbornness. I also see pride, and selfishness, as love in many of us often cools off. I am very aware of reality, mines and theirs. They sometimes must not think I pay them attention, but I always am. It's what I think I will do until I stop loving them. Which I have a tendency never to do. Alas, I can relate to parents observing their wonderful little balls of joy grow and transform, sometimes distorting the very things that make them humane, helplessly. We are all given free will and many of us do not wish to have disciplines in our lives, so we spend our time trying to figure out where we fell short, when in fact the answer lies right in our arrogance or inability to be corrected, instructed, and encouraged. I would elaborate, but one step at a time sounds good to me.
On a lighter note, I will be working outdoors with children and adults doing all sorts of cool environmental things. If you are ever interested in joining a hike or trail or canoe or whatever and want to go with me, hollerrr.
Between the door and the wall there is a small opening into which I can see your life. pumping--as your body attempts to crash under pressure. You are afraid to let go of your mistakes and forgive yourself. You are afraid to stand up and be strong. You have always been a part of me that I watch closely, loving you, soothing your broken bones, bruises, and sinful memories. I too have walked down that perilous road. I watch you in the valley of death, I watch you in the summer sun, I watch you, because I know you have no need to be left alone. Someday, maybe, you'll watch after me too. -__-___-____-___________________________________________________________________-__-__-
Every seven years, our bodies change physically, and emotionally. Feel free to read. http://www.dreamhawk.com/7.htm
This is cycle--14-21
This is the third cycle, from fourteen to twenty-one. During it we become conscious of ourselves in a new way, and with a different relationship to life. One might say we become "self conscious." The emotional range expands in all directions, and with this a new appreciation of music, art, literature and people begins. It is found for instance that at puberty the ability to distinguish subtler tones of colour and sound develops. Besides this the person might go through the difficult struggle of breaking away from home life and/or parental influence. It naturally produces conflict as the person learns some degree of independence. Also, the opposite sex, or sex as a urgent impulse, usually becomes all important as the new emotions pour in upon our personality.
Because of the new range of feelings, many youths experience a different relationship to religion and life's mysteries. All this, as one approaches twenty-one, produces an individual with some sense of social and individual responsibility, or if not that the beginning or a sense of a direction or life purpose. This might not be recognised as such at the time. But it is a time of searching for life purpose, independence, a realization of choices plus a testing of social and personal limitations as well as an awareness of a burgeoning sexuality. As this is a traumatic period of life for most of us, it is also likely to be a time of many unforgettable dreams.
The period is a time of adding maturity, dignity and poise to the person. If these changes have not occurred by twenty-one, then the person has in some way not covered necessary aspects of development, and both psychology and the law recognises that they are lacking maturity.
This period is one of great and sweeping changes, physically, emotionally, morally and mentally. Such enormous changes often do not occur without an experience of loss. In this case the world of childhood is fading, or it might even be torn away, leaving scars.
It is also a time when many new features of the personality have their beginning, i.e. the religious sense, appreciation of the beautiful, etc. Although such things have their beginnings here, they sometimes remain undeveloped until later years. Because of these changes, and because such a lot is being revealed in these years, it is obvious why so much thought should be given to early marriage. Because of one's changing viewpoint, the particular partner one would choose at seventeen or eighteen, is likely to be different to the partner chosen at twenty-one and beyond.
The emotional development at this age is possibly seen as initial uncertainty or clumsiness concerning emotional and sexual contact. It often involves desire to explore many relationships, unless there are forces of introversion or personal and social uncertainty at work. We are still finding out what our boundaries and needs are, and the sexual drive as at full flood.. Any partner we have at this time may be loved for ones own needs - rather than out of recognition of who the other person is. Great romantic feelings and spontaneous love which are often difficult to maintain in face of difficulties.
You're just not fitting in with my daily activities and current lifestyle. I just don't feel like sharing my life with you at this time. I barely have the energy to type, and things to do in the morning. As I get ready for bed, I realize, you may be on hold for a while. What I wish to share, I can't, and when I can share at all, it's almost 2 AM, and I'm sleepy.
See you soon I'm sure.
Your Distant Lover, xoLK
P.S. There is more to life than trivial, materialistic pursuit. Seek higher influence. Not being psychic, not quoting a horoscope. Just truth.
I remember you. The way you wrap your arms around my body, and holding me tightly lets me know you're not afraid to love me. Many of us step halfway in, and halfway out of our emotions. I want to fully experience them. And let go. That's what all the prayer and meditation is for. I held you close, and you loved me, or at least tried. You were possessive, and I was sick for letting you be for so long. Sometimes it is healthier to let someone go. Me--I like to feel free as a bird, even if I date anyone. And the sad part is, it has to be on my terms. Jehovah knows my heart. Somehow I get plenty of love, plenty touch. Plenty words of wisdom. My needs are met, in an abundant, overflowing supply. And for some reason, it just gets easier. Day after day, I create my own boundaries for myself, pushing, higher. Some days I feel the weight barreling down on my knees, and I become afraid. I wish you knew that my love and evocation was absolute, and not confined to your walls. If you won't let up, I won't let in. You cannot break someone who can bend backwards, particularly if you are as rigged as you indeed are. I smell your skin, freshly showered, I close my eyes, rubbing each delicate inch. And I don't even need to know where I'm going. I just know you are close, and for me, that is enough. For me, love is enough. For me, beyond that mister, is way too much.
I wrote this to one of my admirers this evening, and thought it so cute, I'd like to share, don't ask why. My blog. My random bursts of nonsense, occasionally.
Warning: Lystra does not like the thought of pressure to be in a relationship. Sudden invisibility may occur. Directions: Avoid intimate statements until permitted, or be prepared for no response. Handle with care. Wash on tumble low. Hang out to dry, preferably in the sun.
Before I delve into the real purpose of this entry I would like to share with you some of my insights on why my entries seem to strike of chord with some of you. You can never know the real meaning of what my entries say (particularly poetry),unless you ask me directly. It's really a pain to get these side step responses. If you have an ounce of humility within you, approach me. I am not ravenous nor condescending. I simply find my blogger is a place of my personal expression, just like you do.
I love each of you dearly, and quite frankly my spirituality is growing. I wish that we were closer than we are at times, but I know that each of you has certain needs for closeness as do I. Regardless, I love sharing with you more than anything. We don't exist in this world alone, and my entries I feel should benefit more than just myself now. Let's not take things so personal.
Onward---
I'm pouring over a book for my literature, morals and ethics course called tuesdays with Morrie. I generally loathe the reading material for school, as the last book was about viral plagues around the world, this one reaches much closer to the heart. I just started reading at about 10:30 and have almost finished 100 pages. I think I will finish it by the end of tonight. If you ever feel like a deep read that questions what you know about life ask me for this book, or go to the library. It's that profound.
http://www.randomhouse.com/features/morrie/
Brief synopsis: Mitch Albom, a middle aged wealthy sports reporter looks back on his life's ambitions of youth and realizes he completely leaves them behind for a material world of bigger paychecks with smaller morals and self worth. In Mitch's college years he has a professor (Morrie) whom he becomes extremely close to, but falls out of touch with. Fortunately, after rediscovering his professor through a national news interview, Mitch is able to rekindle with Morrie who imparts in a matter of weeks many of life's lessons.
The quote I want to share with you is, " If you accept that you can die at any time, you might not be as ambitious as you are."-Morrie
I have a more friendly read posted on my facebook, but honestly, this quote meant even more to me. If you know you will die today, would you be so focused on the material things that you are now? If the answer is no, I think we should all do a little soul searching.
Much of my close circle changes now. I feel the earth quaking beneath my feet. A silent invisible line creates division between us. You remain distant, cold, unfeeling. My eyes dart away from our memories. As my circle changes, my higher mind reconfigures. Reject the old, gilded poison. Profess your truth. Your internal resonance. Your spirit gives off vibrations. We are not simply material beings. Skin, flesh, nerves, skeleton, muscle, lymphatic creations. Our gift lies in our ability to be civil. Our five digited fingers. We build, and we break down. Which path will you take? I know it sounds crazy, but to me the answer is simple. It's not always about what we feel like doing. It is about what we know is right. Don't get lost in the words you hear, and the beauty you see. As they say, beauty is merely skin deep. Lies. Treachery. Malice. Depression. Tourniquet. Death. I am not afraid of you. Reverse your anguish. Quit being so self righteous. It is not very becoming, and quite frankly, I cannot stand beside you smelling the rotting of your skin. The sinking of your consciousness. Pray for discernment. Seek refuge. Be strong, and of good courage. Quit sulking in your "misery".
My blogger account won't open elsewhere. So when I move from this desktop, no more inner workings, at least not here.
Every step I take I leave you further behind. I scramble around, attempting to regain my balance. You are no longer by my side. I cry from time to time. And I know that's all right. Everything changes for me. My life is about progression. And spiritual is on the top of my list. All things and entities superficial always EVENTUALLY become mere memories. Why am I not interested in anything they say and do? I feel like it's punishment, but it feels so good to know where I stand. Unfortunately, that often leaves me on my own. Are we too defiant for our own good? No. Jah knows me better than I know myself. Realistically, with growth and change somethings may drastically become different. C'est la vie.
Don't think I'll ever forget you. Because I won't. I love you more than I can show you. I'm a distant lover. Watchful eyes. Invisible kisses adorn your cheek and forehead. You deserve to be with people more approving than I. I am not cynical, only seeking another path. Some days I dream of you, while lying in the grass. I know you must go your own way. Let's just not pretend. I'm not a pretender. Justification is the base of all my actions. Purpose in every step. Originality is what I seek. When will we reach the pinnacle of our missions in this life? When we stop being afraid to be what we know we are, and go the way we know is within us. Fear is only skin deep to me. Callused. Hardened. Defined. Beaten. Molded. Solidifying clay. Dirt. Minerals form this being. As I close my eyes, I watch you all disappear, One by one.
